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Let me say this: I do not believe that I became pregnant with the Munchkin simply to fulfill another’s want for a family. I do not believe that God put the Munchkin in my womb with the intention of putting a baby in J & D’s arms. Some adoptive families, birth parents and religions disagree with me. That’s fine. This is my belief: it didn’t happen that way for me.
However, I do believe that God had His hands in several different areas of my decision making process. I grew up in a very pro-life family. Not so vehemently that my parents attended road side protests but it was understood in our family that life was a blessing from God. I believe that their influence and the influeces of other pro-life individuals in my life up to the point of my unplanned pregnancy helped me to evaluate my core beliefs and faith so that I would be prepared to make the decision that was best for me. Obviously, for me, the best decision was to carry the pregnancy to term. I do believe that God had a hand in placing each and every one of those influences and people in my life to prepare me for such a decision. For that, I am grateful.
I do believe that God presented me with enough understanding of the Bible and His word to know that placing the Munchkin would not result in an atonement from my sins. Unfortunately, many birth mothers, both before me and even today, are lead to believe that to be fully forgiven for the sin of having sex outside of marriage, they must place their child: a modern day sacrifice to prove how sorry they are to God. They were (and are) lead to believe these things by some clergy, family and other Christian supports such as pregnancy centers and agencies. (Note: I didn’t say all. I said some!) Of course, to be forgiven of your sins, all you have to do is simply ask. I believe that God put the right people and things in my life up to that point so that I would know better than to proceed with that line of thinking.
The rest of it gets a bit harder to understand, even for me. Due to human nature and free will, I can’t honestly say whether or not it was God’s will for me to place the Munchkin. After choosing life for my child, I had two options: parenting and placing. However, due to my complicated pregnancy and inability to work due to bed rest, I was unable to save money or acquire the resources that many find necessary to parent. I felt, due to that situation and the lack of support (and some people with ulterior motives at the agency), my only option was to place.
Sometimes I do feel that was what God wanted me to do. Not for my own forgiveness. Not to complete a family that I did not yet know. Sometimes I feel that if I had been meant to parent, more doors would have been opened. At the same time, I sometimes feel that I should have been more trusting in God and that had I listened more closely or believed in the awesomeness of His power, I would have known that I could do all things… through Him… including parenting.
I believe that God gave me the free will to choose, even if I didn’t feel like I had a legitimate choice. In the end, I placed my child for adoption. I now believe that I have been given the choice to either bemoan my situation, being angry at God and all involved, or to attempt to make the best of it by finding small things to rejoice in as we all continue to grow. This is not to say that there aren’t days that I’m angry; there are! But I do try my hardest, with help that I ask for from God, to keep my outlook as positive as possible. It’s not always easy.
I also believe, in trying to make the best of this situation, that I have been lead to do something about how Christians are judging unwed mothers and birth parents. I’m still working on my own and with God to figure out what that “something” is but I pray over it every single day. I felt judged, ridiculed and shunned by those within the faith during my pregnancy and even now as I wear the title of birth mother. It is a goal of mine, which I feel has been put there by God, to help make it so other mothers don’t have to feel like I did and continue to feel.
Not everyone shares my belief, my view or my faith. That’s okay. This is just my personal statement of how I believe faith in God played into placement. Just as every birth mother is different, all stories relating to this topic will be different.
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More in the Series of Faith and Adoption:
1. A New Series.
2. Unwed Pregnancy Woes.
And God Bless You for sharing your story with us, Jenna. All of it. *hugs
You know its funny how supposedly Christian people will judge a mother chosing to place her baby for adoption (or who is just single and pregnant).
Seemingly just as easy,I have found, they will single out adoptive mothers and ostraceize them for being somehow “less-than”.
I think I am begining to understand where that pupular saying, “damned if you do, damned if your don’t”, came from.
I registered just so I could comment on this
I think you nailed it for what I feel about God’s role and free will (although I know not all of it really “free” will for some first parents, particularly when there is a lot of pressure to place over parent).
Thank you for sharing this view!
Erin
I admire your ability to work through this and I am truly happy for you. Your life will be happier than mine has been, I think, because you have arrived at this place and continue to move forward in faith and with as positive an attitude as possible.
Let me start by saying that God did not enter into my carrying my pregnancy to term. I gave birth before Roe v. Wade. For the record, I am pro-choice (first trimester only-not partial birth) and a woman’s right to choose is an issue I weigh heavily when I vote. However, had it been legal in 1970, I don’t know if I would or wouldn’t have chosen to carry the pregnancy to term. If I did, it would have had more to do with wanting the baby and a fantasy that I would be allowed to parent than belief that aborion was wrong.
Anent God and placement….I had a relationship with God before I placed and was more religious than most of my family members. However, I believe that God abandoned me (the lights went out) when He/She allowed (despite my fervent prayers and chronic begging God to help me) my parents and the church-based agency I went to for HELP to coerce me to place. There was no free will, no choice in my case. Frankly, since then, living with the decision others made with me, has been so painful I wished they had just taken the baby and euthanized me. (No I am not suicidal and yes, I have been to therapy…years…and it doesn’t help) I have tried all of my life (and it has been 36 years since I was forced to place) to reconnect with God; to believe God is there for me. I was married in a church; I belonged to a church while the children I parented were growing up; they went to parochial schools; I was a choir director; liturgical dance director, etc. etc. I prayed, I tried, I looked for answers, I did all the right things. As a La Leche League leader, I devoted a year to supporting an unwed mother with a crisis pregnancy to breastfeed and in otherwise developing parenting skills. I thought this might atone for my sins (whatever they were….was God angry because I had premarital sex or because I didn’t overcome my parents’ will and that of the agency and find a way to parent the child He/She gave me?) No good. When my son found me 16 years ago, I did everything in my power to make it up to him (his placement). I’ve tried about everything, but just feel that God walked out on me back in 1970 and never returned. I have not had a happy life except for the wonderful children I parented.
thomasina; you’ll like my post tomorrow. Or, at least, I think so.
momtowidget; thanks. It’s hard to explain. While I felt that I didn’t have a choice, it’s hard to explain free will and how it plays into all of this. It’s confusing to me at times as well and I do, as I said, have my angry (as heck) days.
Judy; thanks.
I think this has been the first time I’ve made legitimate sense out of the subjectry.
It makes perfect sense to me, Jenna.
I talk about destiny bringing us and Nate together, about God bringing us and Nate together — but not in the way of Him having Nate’s birth mother go through a pregnancy just to relinquish Nate so that we could then raise her child as ours. Not in that way at all. Well, when we were in the difficult waiting period, it was a way of thinking like, “if there’s a child who needs parents, lead us to the one who ‘belongs’ (for lack of a better word) to us and to whom we belong.” In that way. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I think God can be seen in the relationship that you’ve forged with J and D, in the special family that all of you have formed, in the way that Munchkin understands that she has 2 mommies, in the moments of grace that you feel despite all of the difficulties that adoption brings to you. That’s how I see God in difficult things. In the people He’s brought into your life who have blessed your life. That’s where God has come in. My opinion, of course.
Judy; I like that last line of thinking you just brought up. I’m going to mull it for awhile.
Jenna, Thank you for sharing your feelings about your experience. I really appreciate this article, in particular. I’m definitely learning and gaining more to add to my “think about this another way” bank.
Theresa; glad to give you something to think about in a different manner. Even in the comments here, I’ve been given a few things to mull over. I’m always learning, not only from others, but from myself as I take a deeper look into myself and my issues. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it doesn’t feel good. But it’s always good to learn.
Jenna,
thanks so much for sharing this. I too feel strongly that God doesn’t give birthmothers a child in their womb just to satisfy someone else’s desire for a child.
I read one adoptive mother who once blithely commented that if China is narrowing who can adopt due to less children available, then she hoped something would happen such as a power outage in China over a few days that would lead to more intercourse and more babies available for adoption.
To say I was horrified at her viewpoint would be an understatement and I wondered at the time how many others might feel as she did. I wish I knew how to contact her to direct her to your blog. You have shared openly and honestly and given me a viewpoint that means much as I ponder what my children’s birthparents must feel. Thanks so much for sharing!
Heidi
Ay yay yay… an adoptive mom who prays for more babies to be born? Pul-eeze! That gives adoptive parents a black eye big time!
Jenna, this was one awesome post. Your pain touches me so deeply. And I so feel for my daughter and her birthmom… a wound for each that no one can’t heal…except God in His way and His timing…
Jenna,
I agree…one awesome post! And exactly the way I feel about free will/predestination. I’m glad you have been able to realize that He is not asking you to “atone for your sin” but is instead is there to help you through your anger.
I can relate to that. There are days, many days, I want to rage at God that I did not “choose” to parent such a disabled child! But I did choose to adopt…with all the potential risks inherent to that decision. LuLu didn’t choose her disabilities either. But we do choose to keep turning toward God. So we go on…learning about faith and grace…daily.
I agree that He wants to use you for a specific purpose for unwed mothers and birthparents. It will be exciting to watch that unfold!
Heidi; thank you for your compliments. I didn’t realize this post would be as well-received as it was (which probably makes up for the post that I’m posting today, oh well). I can only hope that the woman you speak of happens across it as well. Attitudes like that sadden me.
Nancy; Sometimes I wish God was faster on the uptake with the healing, ya know?
Apparently I’m also learning about patience. HA!
Julie; Ah, learning about grace daily is something that can benefit us all. It’s not always easy but definitely good. Thank you for your kind words!