During today's Sunday School lesson, our Pastor was discussing how the book of Psalms offers great reference to today's world. At the time we were discussing grief in the context of how our church family lost a long standing member to a heart-attack just last night. However, grief has many forms. As a birth parent, I am familiar with grief. It taints most every aspect of my life.

There are some days when I feel very sad, dark. I've been struggling lately, as I mentioned in my need for smiles this past Love Thursday. I've been overwhelmed with emotions and a longing to see the Munchkin. There's not a day that goes by that my heart doesn't think of her but, for the past few weeks, the ache has been physically palpable.

Sometimes, in adoption, I forget to take my burden to the Lord. I was reminded by our Pastor this morning to take my grief, my aching soul to Him on the darkest of days. Today, the following Psalm spoke to me and so I will share it with you.

Psalm 142
A maskil (probably a literary or musical term) of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer

I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.

When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.
Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, "You are my refuge;
my portion in the land of the living."
Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.

Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

No, of course, I am not in a cave. People are not actively seeking my life. However, recently I found that some people have been spreading falsehoods about my intentions in adoption and have been saying nasty, untrue things about our family. I do feel personally, and thanks to the insight of another birth mother friend, spiritually attacked. Add that recent event to the fact that I've just been missing the Munchkin with every ounce of my being and this Psalm speaks directly to me.

I forget, even though I would rather not admit it, to take things like this to the Lord. I pray all the time, for my children, for my family. I pray for the family who just lost their loved one. I pray for the two families who lost their home last night (which Josh was called to work). I pray for the safety of the firefighters (you know, my Husband) when they are working. I lift prayers of thanks for the blessings in my life, for each time my Husband isn't harmed while fighting a fire, for my family! But sometimes I honestly forget myself, my struggles and my spiritual needs.

Until today's messages in Sunday School, the sermon and in the quiet time I've just spent reading the Word and listening to some music, I felt like this:

Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

But the Lord does. I am thankful for how certain messages from the Lord are timely in our lives. Without today's discussion in Sunday School, I might not have taken the time to revisit the Psalms while Nicholas took his afternoon nap. I might not feel the calm that I feel right now.

Don't get me wrong: I'm still hurting, I'm still sad and I'm still feeling attacked. But I am not alone. I am not alone.

And neither are you... even if you aren't a Christian, I am here for you in your own time of struggle. If you don't have a relationship with Christ but want someone to talk to about the struggles in your own adoption journey, never hesitate to contact me. There is no judgement here. My heart goes out to all who are having struggles like me right now, on their own sides of the triad, and for the struggles to come. My readers are always in my prayers.

(Now if I could just remember to keep MYSELF in my prayers!)


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Read more in the series of Faith and Adoption:
5. Talking to My Pastor. 02.04.07
4. Praying for Your Placed Child. 01.28.07
3. Where is God in Placement? 01.21.07
2. Unwed Pregnancy Woes. 01.14.07
1. A New Series. 01.07.07