Adoptive parents are not the only people that have failed referrals. I had a failed referral when I placed Punkin. The first couple that we chose to parent Punkin opted not to take the referral. It hurt but we both recovered.

What exactly is a failed referral? A failed referral is when one party to an adoption does not agree to a match. Failed referrals happen for many reasons. One party doesn’t feel comfortable with the other. Requests of one party are not agreeable to the other. In the case of my failed referral, the family did not feel that they could handle Punkin’s medical problems when he was born. At the time we did not know if he would be ok or if he would require life long care.

How does it feel to have a failed referral? It hurts terribly. Even though my son was born with medical problems to me he was perfect and I couldn’t understand why another couple wouldn’t want him, in my heart. In my head, I did understand that it was a large undertaking. It is different to take on someone else’s problems rather than just your own.

Can a first parent recover from a failed referral? Of course they do, just like adoptive parents do. In my case, I had to put it aside very quickly and choose another couple because Punkin had already been born. We ended up choosing the couple that parents Punkin now and we couldn’t love them more. They are great parents to him. Would our other referral have worked out as well? Who knows, but I believe that this one was meant to be.

So adoptive parents are not the only ones that suffer through failed referrals. They are not the only ones that wonder, “what is wrong with me or my child”. Failed referrals happen for many reasons, from something as simple as personalities not matching to something as big as medical issues that are life threatening to the child. The most important thing in adoption is that everyone ends up with a referral that they are comfortable with.