It's a strange statement, the subject, don't you think? "Inviting your child to your wedding." Those who had and parented children before marriage don't normally send an engraved invitation to their child. However, for those who have relinquished children, finding the nerve to address and send the invitation to the parents of the child in question can be somewhat daunting.

For many reasons, both based in legitimate worry and illogical fear, adoptive parents sometimes shy away from the idea of bringing their child to the birth parent's wedding. Even those adults with great cross-triad relationships find talk about a wedding to drive a wedge in communication. As usual, it falls in the case-by-case basis and some families are delighted to bring the child, even great distances, to watch or be a part of their biological family's day of pride and joy.

So how is a birth parent to know what the reaction will be? Unfortunately, there is no magic eight ball that says, "Yes, they will attend without comment or reservation but they will appropriately RSVP. Also, their gift will rock." In fact, if you've never planned a wedding, you will learn quite quickly that some people who you thought would never come to your wedding will RSVP in quick order and some that you thought would move mountains to attend will have a reason not to make the trip. The truth is most likely that you're not quite as emotionally invested in those people as you are in your child and his/her family. So how do you prepare for whatever their decision may be.

First, unlike some of your guest list, the family deserves and probably needs some one-on-one discussion about the wedding, the guest list and what is expected if they do attend. Remember: you are inviting them into a room full of people who may not particularly appreciate the fact that they are raising your child or may be overzealous in their appreciation. Preparing them that Aunt Mildred will be present and thinks that they are the Bees Knees while her husband, Uncle Mortimer, thinks that adoption is something that only rich snobs do and thus he hates them, well, letting them know in advance to simply avoid the couple will help them deal. Don't make every conversation about the wedding. Inform them of the date well in advance, especially if they live a great distance, explain why you are inviting them (personal reasons will vary so you have to cover this one!), and let them know what is or is not expected of them during the day/weekend.

And then? Prepare for the worst.

I know, I'm not usually a Doomsday writer. I usually inform my readers to stay upbeat and positive. Truth is that I've seen this particular situation go in so many different directions with so many different kinds of relationships, ranging from bad to mediocre to the best that open adoption offers, that I honestly can't ever predict what the response will be! Remember, especially if you are having your wedding during the summer (family vacation time coupled with the rest of the free world getting married at the same time), holidays or during times of inclement weather, that they simply may not be able to attend due to prior plans or inability. (This is also a reason to let them know WELL in advance about the date and get your invitations sent out, per wedding etiquette, eight weeks prior to the date!)

And then? Accept their response with grace and respect.

Some families, even without prior engagements, will not want to or be emotionally able to attend. While it is understandably heartbreaking, this is not the reason or time to have a knock-down, drag-out fight about "being fair." It's true: if they're not coming, it doesn't feel fair. No one will deny you that feeling. However, you don't need to pile the added stress of fighting with your child's parents on top of planning your wedding. If they say that they aren't coming, tell them that you will miss their presence and ask if they would like to get together to see pictures when you get them back. A more private and calm setting may be what they need to help you celebrate.

If they do accept your invitation, turn a cartwheel and don't forget to say thank you. You then need to inform family members and friends that they are attending. Your friends and family need to be reminded how to act appropriately if they have not been in consistent contact with the family who is raising your child. Most importantly, ask both the family and your own friends and family who they would feel most comfortable sitting with at the reception. (Note: some families with smaller children will attend the marriage ceremony but not the reception because kids are not always able to make it through a lengthy reception. Keep that in mind!) Don't force people to sit together who either have nothing in common, don't necessarily approve of one another or might end up in a fist fight near the cake table.

On your wedding day, you will be overwhelmed with things to do and the responsibility of entertaining. Most likely, you child's parents will remember the craziness of that day if they had a wedding of their own and will thus respect your need to be flitting from table to table, thanking guests from coming and making small talk about the flowers. However, in the days ahead of time, simply saying, "I'd love to sit and spend the whole evening with you guys but we will have to be socializing with the rest of our guests. I hope you understand." That said, try to find one (or two!) quiet moments with your child and his/her family. Thank them for coming, and mean it more than you did to Aunt Mildred. And for goodness sake, don't forget the pictures. This is a memory that you'll want to capture for a lifetime.

After you return from your honeymoon and begin settling into married life, write or call your child's family and sincerely thank them, again, for making the trip. I'm sure that you have been in a room full of people that you didn't know (your child's birthday, someone else's wedding) and can remember how it didn't feel the most comfortable. Thank them for the sacrifices of time and money and comfort that they made to be with you on your special day. And send them copies of the pictures!

I will be sharing (over this month) personal stories of birth parent's wedding days and how they handled some of this on their own. If you want to be involved, please e-mail me at firstparentblogger@adoptionmail.com . Tomorrow I'm going to write about actually involving your child and/or his/her family in your wedding ceremony.

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For more about weddings, read:

1. Getting Married: Things for Birth Parents to Consider.

2. Love Thursday: Wedding Memories.

3. Love Thursday: Munchkin's Presence On Our Wedding Day.

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