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A reader comment recently reminded me of a subject that I wanted to address. I displayed the caution banner for sensitive readers as I plan to discuss some tough topics.
I don’t understand? I hear so much about ethical adoptions, but, what is an ethical adoption? To me, a bmom walks into an adoption agency and makes a plan to place; its not the agency’s responsibility to help find parenting resources…
Let me address her comments first. I think anyone involved in adoption should learn about the ethical issues involved in adoption. Several people have asked me in the past few weeks what is an “ethical” adoption. Two were adoptive moms, and one was a birth mom. When I first began educating myself about adoption, I did not know what was ethical and what was not either. I have learned alot and now know many areas of concern.
When a birth mom walks into an agency, it is not as though she’s going there to buy a car. You do not necessarily expect a car dealer to praise the merits of other cars. A car dealer will generally tell you that the car he sells is best, he won’t tell you where to buy another brand or discuss its merits. You expect that.
However, when a young pregnant woman goes to an adoption agency, the stakes are quite a bit higher. Few young women go to an adoption agency resolute and certain that adoption is the choice that they plan to make. They go looking for honest information about that option. Many agencies also promise to help a woman with her decision, and that means exploring all possibilities, not just adoption.
Some agencies do provide young women information about other options because as human beings, it is the right thing to do. I recall one young birth mother who relinquished a couple of years ago telling me that she kept mentioning the parenting option at the agency that she ended up using. They kept brushing her words aside and said, “You will have to pursue parenting options on your own.”
Were they obliged to listen and consider that if she wanted to parent and did not, it might be wrong to keep pushing her to parent? Was it not their responsiblity? Maybe it was not their duty, but, ethically should they have ignored her obvious interest in the parenting option? Do they believe it makes no difference who raises a baby? That the maternal/child bond is insignificant?
To Be Continued……………………………..
My problem is how agencies represent themselves via advertising:
Pregnant? Come see us! We can help!
Pregnant? Scared? Confused? Call us!
Unplanned pregnancy? Call us!
The word “help” to a pregnant woman who is confused and scared sounds GREAT. However, they don’t mention that the help they are providing is tunneled in one direction. And, frankly, you DO NOT know that until you’ve been through it. If they said, “Considered all your other options and want to place your child for adoption,” it would be a different story.
But don’t say you’re going to “help” if you’re not going to help. Truth in advertising should apply to agencies as well.
“Truth in advertising should apply to agencies as well.”
Couldn’t agree with you more!
That goes along with what Jenna said Angela, offering help – but meaning only adoption help. There is a difference. There do seem to be some who think if a woman walks into an adoption agency, her child should definitely be adopted out.
The crisis pregnancy centers that have gotten into some legal troubles did so because they were misrepresenting the kind of “help” that they really offered.
Shivers? Oh yeah!
NOTE: I am not trying to attack anyone’s religion.
I have seen a Christian based group that were sooooo focused on.. get that baby adopted. The group’s stated goal was to “stop” abortions rather then help women/men in crisis. But in their ads, their goal was to help men and women in crisis.
This typically meant other options like parenting or guardianship or asking family for help… the organization didn’t want to discuss them either. The only way to make sure the baby was safe… get it out of the birth mother and find it a home. In other words they were saving the baby.
Gave me a shiver up my spine when I heard someone talk like this… The mindset seemed to be that the parents deserved what they got. Ugly…..
Assuming that the pregnant girl walking in the adoption agency did not have family support then should the agency be required to say:
“Oh no. Don’t give up your baby. That should be your last option. Go to this govt. agency and get prenatal care for free. Your delivery costs will be free too. And you can get prenatal nutrition — food and vitamins. When the baby is born you can get free food for the baby, free medical care, and assistance with housing if you need it. You can also get free child care while you go back to school to finish your diploma or train for a job. If you don’t make enough money on the job, we will give you Section 8 housing vouchers and food stamps — all free. They are paid for from the taxes of all the working moms and dads and all the DINKS who would like to have a child, but can’t. Just think of it as what society owes you for having a baby.
The above is of course not realistic. Adoption agencies are there to arrange adoptions. If I walk into a car dealership, I expect them to try to sell me a new one — not to tell me my old one is fine.
There are plenty of agencies offering help to pregnant women…United Way, Planned Parenthood, DFCS, Legal Aid etc. and lots of freebies to be had.
I would like to see more tax breaks, child care vouchers, and insurance assistance to people trying to adopt. Then maybe some of the thousands of children in foster care could have permanant homes.
“MamaS”:
I am a birthmom, nearly 8 years post-surrender. When I was pregnant, I did not need any of the “free” help you listed above. I was, and am, a highly successful businesswoman, and I don’t need handouts to get by. (Not that assistance is a bad thing. I’m just saying, I did not require it.)
I went to the adoption world looking for insight as to how to really KNOW whether I ought to parent or not. I thought there would be kind people there who would let me know what my chances were of becoming a successful parent. As it turns out, I had far too much faith in people’s motives.
I did not realize that a large part of the adoption world was a big business, built around finding babies for homes. I mistakenly thought it was the other way around–that adoption workers existed to determine what children needed homes, and then helped those children find them. And since these places (agencies, internet sites, lawyers, faciliators) marketed to “scared” women (read: me) and offered “help and hope,” I thought they cared about me and wanted to help ME.
Stupid me.
I wanted someone to give me their opinion on whether my child needed something more than me. Instead, I got railroaded into “the adoption option.”
You mention other places to turn. Whell, I did my research, and I went to the internet to find out more, since places like United Way, Legal Aid, etc. are not geared toward people in my situation. Frankly, I made too much money and had too many resources for such places to bother with me. So I knew nowhere else to go.
No one in the adoption industry cared that I fit a profile of someone who could have (and maybe should have) successfully parented. All they wanted was another baby, because they had waiting lists miles long of parents who wanted babies. And a baby from a smart, white, professional female with no diseases or other problems? Well, that’s the jackpot, my friend.
Until you have been a woman in an unplanned pregnancy, it is very easy to make comments like you have made in your response. Honestly, I might have made similar statements myself, had this not happened to me.
All I can tell you is, you are not correct. You do not understand how the system works. I hope that, if you are indeed truly curious, you will take the time to learn more.
Heather Lowe
Another thing, MamaS-
Jan isn’t talking about foster care adoptions here. She’s talking about infant adoptions, with surrenders taken at birth, from parents who have not screwed up or harmed their children in any way.
I think you’d have a hard time finding ANYONE to dispute that the adoption of foster care kids is a worthy goal.
But it’s the babies the market seems to want.
Mama S, I agree that all of what you said is not entirely realistic. BUT there should be more ethics involved when we are talking about a child’s life than a car purchase. Like Jenna said, agencies say that they want to help you make your decision. Is that honest or ethical?
Tax breaks for people trying to adopt – I see lots of those – and am all in favor of adopting from foster care, or those wanting to parent their own children.
Heather, I did not mean to say anything that upset you. I have been on both sides of this issue. First, I adopted two toddlers from foster care, when there were NO tax incentives, parenting leave days, or legal fee deductions. Then years later one of those toddlers (now a teen) was expecting a baby of her own. As her mother, I KNEW she was not ready for parenthood, but mothers of teens know nothing. Urged by her “friends” she went to all the agencies I listed and got all the “freebies”. When I objected that she wasn’t mature enough to parent her caseworker brushed aside my worries — “We have Baby and Me classes, Parenting Classes, Anger Management Classes — she can learn.” Flash forward a year: the newness of the baby has worn off and it isn’t fun anymore. Just ahead of DFCS seizure, grandma takes the baby. Two more years of no effort toward accepting parenting and now grandma is adopting the baby.
I pray nightly that I am doing the right thing. I think he would be better in a two-parent home with younger parents, but now we all love him too much to do what is best for him. So I will live as long as I can and take care of him the best way I can, but in my heart I wonder if he doesn’t deserve better. Maybe if his mother had talked to people at an adoption agency he would have gotten it.
Mama, personally if I were in your situation, I would do just what you are doing – try to keep your grandson within the family. You will never know for sure what had happened if your grandson had been adopted. Except – you would have missed knowing him – imagine how that would have felt. Even if he had been adopted by a two parent family, there are no guarantees that they would not divorce.
Parenting at a young age does not work well for all women, but it does for some. I am sorry that your daughter has not been able to succeed – that must hurt a lot.
Jan, I’m so very glad to see you doing a series on this!
Thanks Coley, it’s a difficult subject!
While I am sure that birthmoms do encounter biased conseling, there are ethical agencies out there. The agency we are working with now is the same one we worked with for our second adoption. They counseled about 50 crisis pregnancies last year in their infant adoption program, only 8 placed. Their waiting list is not miles long either. I think right now there are 14 adoptive families waiting in the program.
I think that adoption agencies should be expected to provide unbiased professional counseling to help these woman make good decisions, however I don’t think they should be required to provide assistance to woman once they choose to parent. These moms should be referred elsewhere for more long term help.
I know our agency accepts donations of cribs, high chairs, etc that they pass along to moms who decide to parent. We have had family and friends who have provided cash donations and gently used baby items for this.
When my daughter was pregnant, she explored adoption through three organizations before she told me and her dad about her pregnancy. Although all three touted themselves as offering “advice” for women experiencing crisis pregnancies, only one piece of advice was offered – “your child deserves the best and adoption is best for your child”.
My daughter did not need financial support (although abundant support from the clients was offered). In her case, had the agencies been ethical, they would have figured out that she has a loving family and would have advised her to tell us about her pregnancy and encouraged us to be invovled in making her plans for her child. Instead, we were to be “spared from her shame” and not be allowed to “interfere” with her independent choice (the choice being adoption, of course).
Yes, there are ethical agencies but they are few and far between. How does one find them in the midst of fear and emotional turmoil? GOGGLE on unplanned pregnancy or crisis pregnancy sure does not do the job!
Great blog!
Happy G’Ma