Except for those of us who wear more than one adoption title (adoptee, birth parent and/or adoptive parent), we are often at a loss for fully understanding what other members of the triad are feeling. As I mentioned in my last post, an adoptive Mom has asked me how, as an adoptive parent, one can help a birthmother (or father!) handle the emotions that inevitably swarm in post-placement. The truth is: there's not one answer.

Adoption is one of those subjects that varies so greatly from case to case, from family to family and from individual to individual that, even if I attempted a series on how to handle every possible emotion in every possible situation, I'd never stop writing on the subject. However, there are a few things that adoptive parents can keep in mind as they attempt to be supportive to their child's birthparents in the months and years post-placement.

Again, any advice contained here is not the be-all and end-all of "how to handle x-situation." These are merely a few guidelines that helped our family deal with these situations. They may help you. They may not. It's up to you and your family to find out what works for your personal situation.

1. Know that while you are confused on how to help your child's firtparent on an emotional level, he/she is also confused on what to do with these emotions and how to handle them on his/her own. Unless your child's parent has placed before, these emotions are brand spanking new. Even if your child's parent has placed in the past, every adoption brings up new emotions and situations that have not presented themselves in the past. Let your child's birthparent(s) know that their confusion is not threatening to you (because it shouldn't be) and that you will support them on their emotional journey to healing. Encourage them to journal their emotions and challenge them to dig deeper to the root causes of certain emotions like anger, sadness and fear. Encourage them to share these results with you as they will better help you understand and, as a bonus feature, help you to answer questions your child will ask in the future.

2. Don't ignore the pain. A simple card dropped in the mail that says "thinking of you" during a hard emotional time can brighten anyone's day, including your child's birthparent. It doesn't have to be the topic that you discuss every single e-mail or phone call but simply touching base every now and again, especially during hard holiday or birthday seasons, can make a birthparent feel as though you truly care. Personally, I find it hard to bring up issues that I am dealing with on my own so, when I'm prompted by J or D on a particular subject, it's easier to discuss than just breaking it out of the blue.

3. Admit that you don't understand but that it's "okay." There are going to be times where you don't understand a particular emotion. Know that it's okay for you not to understand. Also recognize that it is okay for your chid's birthfamily to have feelings that you don't understand. Simply saying something like, "I don't really understand why you feel this way but I acknowledge your emotion and encourage you to keep processing through these feelings," can go a long way. It shows that the birthparents don't have to justify every last one of their varying emotions in order to stay in good graces with you or your family. Along with that comes...

4. Be prepared for things like guilt, anger, regret and second-guessing the adoption plan. These are, at their nature, often perceived as overtly negative emotions. No one wants to deal with those things! And while there are birthparents who never second-guess their decisions or feel an inkling of regret, some do. Again, this is not your fault as I'm sure you adopted your child without coercion and in the most ethical way possible. However, at times, anger may be directed in at you simply because you now hold the child in your arms at night and the birthparents, simply, do not. I cannot stress enough that you should not take this anger personally. Instead, encourage your child's firstparent to look into the causes for the anger. Why is she regretting her decision? Has her life changed to a point where she could parent? Would it have changed if she had parented? Even if it has, sadly, the past cannot be changed. You, however, can help your child's birthparent realize that even though things may not be exactly the way that her heart wants them to be, YOU, as adults together, can make the best of the situation. Also, be prepared to demand, politely, respect if you feel as though you are not being respected as these negative issues are being handled. Sometimes these areas can get tricky.

As I said, these are general pieces of advice for general issues. Over the next few days, I will delve into my own Pandora's box of emotions and visit issues that I have had emotionally. I will also discuss how D helped me with those situations and will even ask her to remind me how those particular situations made her feel, as an adoptive Mother AND the Mom of my daughter. Should be an emotional couple of days. Stay tuned!