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As we begin the slippery slope toward winter and the holidays, I’m having memories of my pregnancy and my daughter’s birth flash before my eyes. It always happens around this time of year, when the leaves are falling and the air is chilled. I was always heavy with child during the fall and first snow. It’s just how it happened for me.
The truth is that our memories are tied to so many things. Sights, sounds, smells and tastes can all be part of one singular memory. I know this to be true for me: have you ever noticed the unique smell of fall or very early winter, right before that first snow? Reading some articles on how memories are formed, I am learning that even researchers don’t know all there is to know about the process. It’s really quite interesting and confusing at the same time.
Suffice it to say: as a birth parent, you have memories of your pregnancy or, if you are a birth father, your child’s biological mother’s pregnancy. Some of these memories may be pleasant (the baby kicking, a quiet moment of peace together, the first time you saw your child if you were afforded that right). Some of these memories may be difficult (arguments with family, emotional struggles, saying goodbye at the hospital if you were afforded that right). Whether pleasant, difficult or somewhere in between, these memories weave together to form your child’s first story.
I know I have tried to suppress certain memories. I encourage you not to do so with your child’s first story. While research has told us that it may be possible to intentionally suppress memories, I would venture to say that this isn’t the proper route to go if you want to find true peace with your adoption journey. It’s easier for awhile, especially immediately after the birth and relinquishment of your child, if you don’t have to deal with the emotions on top of the hormonal fluctuation that accompanies the postpartum phase. I am not suggesting to relive your child’s birth and relinquishment on a day-by-day basis. That would be too intense and not conducive to proper emotional healing.
I am saying, however, that sorting through the emotional issues that accompany your child’s first story will better help you along your healing journey. Furthermore, understanding how you feel or why certain things happened the way that they did will better help your child, now or later, understand vital parts of their first story. If you are involved in an open adoption, you may have to sort through your feelings earlier on as you may be presented with questions that are hard to answer and involve you sorting through memories that you haven’t accessed in awhile. If you are a birth parent in a closed adoption, you may feel as if you have 18 years (or more depending on state law and circumstance) to sort through the emotions and make sense of the whole shebang. However, if you ignore the memories for so long, they may be harder to recall. Sorting through things now, making sense of the story and possibly writing it all down so that it can’t be forgotten later will serve both you and your child well in the future.
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