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An adoptive family and birth family call each other friends or, really, extended family. Someone says, “Well, that’s not the norm.” An adult adoptee finds his birth family who embrace him with open arms while also embracing his adoptive parents for the wonderful job they did in raising him. Someone says, “Well, that’s not the norm.” An adopted child isn’t confused about her situation, understanding each person’s role in her life. “Someone says, “Well, that’s not the norm.”
Who is Norm other than a guy on Cheers and why does he get to decide how we live our adoption relationships?
I’m tired of hearing, when I share my story in its various forms, “Well, that’s not the norm.” It doesn’t matter if I’m talking about a good aspect (the good relationship I have with my daughter’s mom) or a negative one (the fact that my daughter’s parents divorced). Nothing I have done is the norm. In fact, in talking with other adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents, no one seems to fall under the umbrella of “the norm.”
So, why don’t we start using that to our advantage?
Next time someone tells you “that’s not the norm,” ask them what the norm actually is. Likely, they won’t have a concise answer. If they attempt to answer at all, it will likely be a flub of words that don’t go with one another. You can, at that point, challenge them with this question: if that’s the norm, why would I want to be the norm?
Furthermore, don’t let someone else’s lack of success in adoption define what your could or should be. In fact, don’t let someone else’s adoption story define what it is that you choose to do or not do. Every adoption story comes with its own unique set of circumstances. Some people are afforded the ability to have fabulously close relationships while the personalities of people involved in another situation call for a less emotionally involved scenario. What does it matter if one person’s experience is the norm or not? Does that make them any less beautiful? Or unique? Or important? Not at all.
So tell Norm to bugger off and celebrate your own story.
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Photo Credit.
I am a bio mother, a step mother, and and a birth mother reunited with the child I gave up for adoption. I can attest that none of these relationships could be classified as normal. All of my kids are adults now, and while my relationships with my bio kids and my step kids has grown beyond our issues,I still am working to establish a satisfyng relationship with my adopted daughter. She is 38 years old, and we’ve been reunited since she was 19. It is a frustrating experience and it really bothers me when I hear about reunited families who have bonded. It makes me feel unforgiven.