I'm a domestic birth mother. My daughter was born in the United States and placed in the United States. On top of that, our adoption is fully open. I know where she lives and how to contact her family at a moments notice. I am luckier than mothers of domestic closed adoption, many of whom can only rely on hope of reunion. Beyond them, I am immensely more lucky than my sisters in adoption who happen to live in other countries and have children who were adopted into the United States.

This article out of the New York Times got me to think even more on the subject. It's not that I don't often think of my sisters in adoption just because we are separated by distance. I do, especially with recent discussion on ethical and legal actions in various countries. Having been trampled by an unethical adoption agency, I have a soft spot in my heart for others who are getting even worse treatment with no hope of contact with their relinquished children. However, since this article features adoptive parents searching for their children's birth mothers, the complications with the process and some of the emotional investment that goes into the process, I got to think outside of my own personal frame of reference.

Quite frankly, I am rather pleased to see this article. While most of the parents featured in this article chose to use anonymous names, it's still encouraging to see a relatively open discourse on these kind of topics especially in such a mainstream venue. Again, people who don't normally think about these kind of issues are being presented with an opportunity to consider something new about international adoption. I say that's a good thing.

Especially when you consider how this article was presented. Really, it was a well-rounded look at the issues surrounding searches in other countries. Good stories, not-so-good stories and ones that range in the "middle" were all presented. I was encouraged by the fact that it wasn't an overtly negative piece about how all birth mothers living in poverty-stricken countries are only interested in contact for ulterior motives while, at the same time, presenting the knowledge that those who live in these countries do sometimes have to go to extremes to get what they need in order to survive. It's sometimes hard for us, as Americans, to really comprehend the type of poverty that these people are living with, especially considering that we think we're dying when our electric goes out during a storm. Two hours without electric simply do not compare with what these people live with on a daily basis.

I felt compassion for the author of the article as she dealt with her own questions regarding the search and her eventual lack of answers for her daughter. I sometimes ponder things like that as they relate to our open adoption. As teenagers often go through a phase in which all adults are the enemy, I wonder if the Munchkin will, at some point, be angry that I've been involved in her life since the very beginning. I'm sure we'll cross that bridge, her parents and I, when and if it comes and, really, until then I should just be focusing on what I can do to be the best first mother I can for my daughter.

On the same note, one thing sticks out in the article that I think internationally adopting parents should consider when making a decision on whether or not to initiate a search versus letting their child initiate it later in life.

And if searching is difficult now, I, like many parents, feared it would only grow more so as time went on, and our fragile trail of leads ran cold. Worse, there might be no birth mother left to find: indigenous women, like Lucia’s birth mother, have shortened life expectancies because of poor health care and other problems. By doing nothing, in other words, I might be making a decision for Lucia.

This really hit me. Leads can run cold. People move. Unfortunately, people also die. Not initiating that search could be making that decision for your child. On the birth parent end, speaking about domestic open adoption, not having that relationship with your child out of fear of confusion (or "enter fear here") could create confusion later if you aren't available to answer questions because of an inability to locate one another to reconnect or in the unfortunate event of your death.

Sometimes these things are awfully big to consider, aren't they?

Anyway, for adoptive parents considering the idea of a search, I can only encourage them to research their child's country and reputable searchers. Speaking with others who have been through the process, both with good and bad results, as well as domestic birth mothers might help parents make the decision that works best for their family. Being fully informed about a search, like researching adoption before adopting, should be your first stop in the process.

And when you're done? Please share about it so that others can learn, too!

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For more, read:

1. Please Use Poker Chips, Not Babies.

2. Another Near Adoption Miss in India.

3. Mother and Daughters to Stay Together.

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