Dear Abby Misses the Mark

A birth mother in an open adoption wrote a letter to Dear Abby with a question (the third letter on this page) a lot of us have had at one point or another in our adoption journeys. Nine years after the birth and placement of her child, now in her 20’s, she was wondering how to address adoption and her role when discussing the topic with others. Her question was specific as to what her answer should be when she is asked if she has children.

Abby’s answer missed the mark.

DEAR BIRTH MOTHER: You are under no obligation to give chapter and verse about your personal history to anyone who is only an acquaintance. If you are asked if you have children, just say no because you are not raising any.

Abby missed the point that the birth mother in question may not be raising any children but open adoption throws a wrench of complication into a complete denial of parentage. If the birth mother in question is like the growing number of birth parents involved in fully open adoptions, chances are that she has a photograph of her relinquished child in her wallet or on her wall at home. While I do agree that we don’t need to hash out the intricate specifics of our lives with people we don’t plan on inviting into our homes and the inner fold of our lives, lying to those we may eventually have intricate relationships with only brings in more difficulty.

If this birth mother was to state that she had no children to a few people from work or a group that she has met and then becomes good friends with one or even romantically involved with another, when then is she to own up to the truth. Again, the point can and should be made that a true friend or a worthy romantic interest wouldn’t care that she had lied about an innocent matter and was just trying to save face in front of a group. But the point of the matter is that the lie creates a bunch of undue stress as the birth mother than has to figure out when and how to tell the truth, explain her reasoning and hope against hope that she has made the right judgment call in accepting this person into her life.

Why deal with all that unnecessary drama?

The truth is that if you are living as a birth parent in an open adoption, things are occasionally going to get uncomfortable. As you continue on in your life, you will meet new people. You will work at new jobs. You will make new friends. You will date new people. You will continuously come in contact with new people over the course of your life. If you are fortunate enough to have your child visit you on your home turf, you will likely want to leave your home and visit a park, a restaurant, a mall or another public avenue. If you run into someone whom you have told you have no children and are pointedly asked, in front of your child, who these people with you are, will you once again lie? Imagine how your child will feel at that point to be denied. That should never be an option. Instead you are now forced to tell the truth in an awkward manner. You may be asked, again in front of your child, why you lied. You can take that chance if you want.

Or you can tell the truth.

I don’t like to be forced to tell the truths of my life to random people. However, one time when I was in a new moms group and I was asked, pointedly, if my oldest son had been my first birth experience, I was honest. I said that, no, I had given birth and subsequently placed her for adoption a few years prior. No one batted an eyelash. They learned a little about adoption and what today’s birth mothers can look like. We all went about our conversations and our days. The world, surprisingly, did not end.

Living your life as a birth parent in an open adoption is sometimes difficult. You will be forced out of your comfort zone, time and time again. You will be forced to act as an educator against the ignorance that exists regarding stereotypes about birth parents and adoptive parents, adoption in general and adoptees. Some days you might not feel up to that challenge. Some days you might greet it with a smug smile, thinking, “I got this one.” Denying your role in your child’s life not only complicates your life, forcing you to remember which person you told which lie, but that denial also denies a large portion of your life.

As such, ignore Abby. She apparently knows nothing about the ins and outs of today’s open adoptions. Instead, take a deep breath and give them the truth. Who knows. You may be standing with another birth parent. Or an adoptee. Or an adoptive parent. Or someone who needs to have their own beliefs tested a little. If they say something rude, let it roll. It won’t be the last time and, having lived through what you have already, you already know you’re stronger than one insult. Abby may be right in one respect: you’re not parenting a child. However, you are actively birth-parenting if you are in an open adoption and that part of your life needs acknowledgment and celebration.

Don’t deny yourself. Be true to yourself.

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