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I recently gave you some ideas about reaching out to your child’s adoptive family when a breach in their contact occurs. The truth remains that, sometimes, adoptive parents choose to cut contact with birth families. Why? For any number of reasons, most of which are rooted in assumption, fear and/or the inability to discern good advice from bad advice. Often they think that they are making the appropriate decision but they go about it in the wrong fashion. Perhaps that, in itself, is a post for another day.
Right now I want to discuss what you should do if you reach out to your child’s family after such a breach in contact only to find yourself met with more silence or, worse, an outright rejection.
More silence can actually be harder to handle in some ways. You may be left wondering if they received your letter, e-mail or phone message. You may wonder if they are dealing with something awful (a loss in the family, the illness of your child, etc.). Your brain may run away with your fears, leaving you uncertain regarding what your next step should be.
In my opinion, as long as you are met with silence, keep sending the letters. Send them in regular intervals, every two months or so, updating the family with what is going on in your life. Keep them light and personal with what you are doing at present. Don’t ever jump to an angry tone or start accusing them of things as you honestly don’t know what is going on. End your letters with an honest, peaceful plea to hear something from them in the near future. Keep it up until you hear something.
But… what if that something is along the lines of: please cease all contact. What do you do then?
Sadly, you cease all contact. You save that correspondence. If it’s a letter, make a copy and save both. If it’s an email, print out two copies. If it is a phone message, find some way to make a recording.
And then go have a good cry.
Vent at those who are in your life that support your in your open adoption journey. Rant on the internet. Yell into pillows. Take up running and beat your aggression into the track. Do something, anything, but take it out on your child’s adoptive family.
Wait. What? Why?
Doing so won’t magically change their minds. If they’ve chosen to cut off contact, even if it is for a reason based on nothing more than fear, they feel they are doing the right thing for their child at the time. If you push too hard, they’ll jump into Mama and Papa Bear mode and that’s not really something you want or need to be on the receiving end of at any point in time. Right now, you need to let them be. And it sucks. And it’s no fun. But in the end, they will answer for their actions.
That doesn’t mean you need to be silent.
Write letters. Make gifts. Journal. All for your child. And keep them. Organize them by date and have them ready. For what? Perhaps the adoptive parents will realize that their actions are not child-centered and they will reach out to you. Perhaps your child will reach out to you when he/she is old enough to do so. You can then show your child what you’ve been doing since the time that contact was halted. (At that point, don’t ever say negative things about your child’s parents. Making him/her pick sides serves no purpose.)
If you’re feeling alone because of a second rejection, please reach out to someone or seek the advice of a counselor. It can be horribly difficult to deal with such a thing. Know that you are not alone and that we will help you in any way that we can.
