That is really amazing! I may be a total Pollyanna, but I do believe that change in this arena is possible, and it's possible because people like you and the birthmother in that lawsuit aren't afraid to step forward and make your voices heard.

It's a shame that the issue even went to court. I mean, really! -- but I know that it's a reality and I know that it happens all too often. I would hope and pray that the word gets out and makes adoptive parents think a bit harder before they close an adoption, like you say "without rhyme or reason" or with no good reason. If there are issues or if they feel there are issues, all that means is that the parties -- the adoptive parents and the birth parent(s) simply have to work on the issues. But to close a previously open adoption does nothing but punish the child and his/her birth parent(s).

This is wonderful, incredible news. Yay!

one of the things I've wanted to see since we started on the adoption road is legally binding open adoption agreements. this is the #1 issue that HAS to change for the health of birthparents and for their children. Great news :-)

It is in the wind - change that is!

Cooool!

While this sounds good, I hope that the parties involved can continue positive contact. I do not know what a birthparent who desires contact and has made all attempts to follow through must feel like when an adoption is suddenly closed, it must be awful. I DO know that sometimes, some persons, even birthparents do not keep their part of the visitiation agreement. We hear the most about adoptive parents who break these agreements, mainly because their rights to do so are protected. Once everyone's rights are protected it will be easier, but not a complete solution. Right now I am speaking as a parent,my child's 1st parent did not see her for several years (not by my restrictions). Now she has re-entered the scene my child is showing extreme stress & attachment issues. At some point I have to ask if this is healthy for my daughter. Her 1st mother has issues and it is highly likely because of her current lifestyle that she will be unavailable again in the future for our child. What will the effect be on this child? I do not know sometimes if I am doing the right thing because these visits are problematic for my child, but I have empathy for and do like her birhmom. I honestly do not know how I would feel if I would be bound by the courts to continue visits if my child continued to do poorly because of them. While to close an adoption is not our decision, I can see why some might have the need and I do not think it is to punish the child or the birth family.
I am glad to read this case shows the 1st mother as involved and obviously positively because it also shows the child's belief it's a good thing.
As for us, we are in therapy to help our daughter, visits do continue and we are hopeful 1st mom can do what she needs to make this positive for our daughter and herself.
I guess now I might be slammed because this (the happy ever after open adoption) is not what I have been fortunate to have for my kids, but just let me tell anyone before they say it that I am TONS more dissapointed than you are about that.

The facts of the case were that
1. When the child was surrendered, the mother reserved the right to have 4 visits per year with the child.
2. The mother had visits with the child.
3. The mothe did everything in her power to see the child
4. The child knew the mother


Daniel Clement

Peanut; I am the first one in line that believes when birthparents make open adoption agreements, they should also be held to the same level as adoptive parents. No where in this post (or ever) did I say otherwise. :) Birth parents should be held to the same standards. Do I think that they should be taken to court and required to uphold their end of the agreement if it doesn't work? Why not? People who enter into contracts and then breach them need to be held accountable.

All of them.

Thank you Daniel. :)

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Peanut -- I was generalizing, and as Joyce Maguire Pavao has said, "If you know one adoption, you know one adoption." I was actually speaking more about the adoptions that are closed for no apparent reason. Each case will, of course, need to be looked at for its own merits, but I think that overall, adopted children and birthparents benefit from contact with each other.



I have the utmost respect for my son's birthmother. I believe with all of my heart that she made the decision to place him for adoption because she felt that she had no other options, but that she would have parented him if she at all could have. I simply can't imagine the pain that went into her decision.

Perhaps I am the person whose opinion should not be expressed here because these decisions do not affect me, because I did adopt internationally. If that's the case, I will respectfully limit my comments to subjects that do impact me on a more personal level.

But even those of us who did adopt internationally can learn and realize the importance of contact with birthfamilies . . . even if we're not able to establish that with our own children -- at least not at this time, for who knows what the future can bring.

FINALLY!!!! A precedent set!!! If only this had been the case eight years ago, even two years ago... I'm certain a young woman I dearly love would have had a very different life.

"The Court found that the child was aware that the petitioner was her biological mother and that a cessation of visitation could result in long term feelings of distress and abandonment. On the other hand, the Court found that continued visitation would convey a positive message to the child that the biological mother really cared."

Okay, I've been at this for almost seventeen years, and have seen it all ... but I am in tears reading the above statement. I have seen living proof of the former, tragically.

t enborg

My 2C

This court decision is groundbreaking and hopefully will set a precedent for other judges to bravely uphold agreements that are in the best interest of the child as this clearly was. My one concern is that for every step forward this is always backlash. People may be less likely to go into an open adoption if they know they will be bound to it. But maybe that's OK, as the numbers of those seeking to adopt so outnumber the number of infants they seek. But it will likely turn more of those people to adopt Internationally, as some already do to avoid birthmother contact.

As for Peanuts' comment and concerns: YES, it is disturbing for a child to have someone come and go from their lives. But that is the unfortunate reality of your child's life. She has a mother with difficulties dealing with her reality of being parent to a child who is parented by others. This is often exceedingly painful - far more than she may have considered when she entered into the adoption. Or perhaps other problems (employment, distance) keep her from visiting for periods of time. While reality is sometimes tough, it is what it is and this is your child's reality. Your job is to help her cope with that reality as best you can - not remove every painful thing from her life (much as all mothers would like to). View it as an opportunity for your child to learn compassion for another and to be grateful for the times she CAN and DOES get to visit with her mother instead of dwelling on the times she cannot, while validating that those times are painful.

For open adoption to is must:

1) have legally enforceable contact agreements, but also
2) all parties need to have lots of counseling before and during to deal with these sorts of issues.

Adoption involves losses for all. And for the adoptive parents, it involves the challenges of parenting a child with another set of parents. That is THEIR difficult reality.

Mirah Riben

Yes, it is confusing for a child to deal with a birthparent who is inconsistent. My bdaughter's sibling dealt with this, and I was required (and attempted) to compensate for it ... which I couldn't do ... because I was not her first mother.

However, what I've seen most often over the years are scenarios like this:

The committed birthmothers who stick to contact (many who are required to compensate for a adopted sibling's birthparent's inconsistency -- send them gifts,cards, etc.)wind up cast out of the equation when the children begin to demonstrate an increased desire to form relationships and share with them (individuated from their adoptive parents.)

I have seen too many scenarios where the committed bparent is cutoff while the flakey bparent's contact is encouraged. Why? It appears the latter is less threatening to some aparents than the former. Too often, it is not about what is best for the child.

Bottom line: If a child knows his/her birthmom and has a history with her, via open adoption, that is loving and respectful, it is harmful to pull that mother and child apart. It is, in fact, abusive to do so. It leaves the child to feel re-abandoned and, often, lies are concocted to explain the birthparent's absence after the closure.

I've seen it over and over.

T. Enborg

Ok, just let me clarify that my child has dificulty because she does NOT want to see her 1st mother, not because she does not see her enough. Second let me say we have NOT cut off visits, we continue to encourage 1st mom to visit, BUT we also are dealing with how those visits appear to negativly impact our daughter & our family life. We have sought therapy to help. Do I like that our daughter does not do well with visits? No. Have I said or done things to make her dislike or feel afraid of her birthmother? NO. None of our children's 1st parents asked for openess, we did & have pushed it along all the way. We were told that openess was best, now we are begining to understand the "not always" to this senario. I do know that our household is in chaos because of this child's fear of contact & ultimatly I do not know what we will find will best help her. I DO know that my daughter needs to feel safe & secure in our house, her house. What we do down the road will reflect that need.

I'm sure if you presented your case in court, if the birthmother took you to it, you could prove that it wasn't in the best interest of your child. However, the courts found, in this specific case, that it was.

Did I say that all contact, all the time, was mandatory and perfect? No. Do I still think this is a huge step for birth parent rights even though people like you are bemoaning even an iota of step in that direction? Heck yes.

Jenna,
If you will read back to my first post on this you will see that I agreed this was a positive step.

While this sounds good, I hope that the parties involved can continue positive contact. I do not know what a birthparent who desires contact and has made all attempts to follow through must feel like when an adoption is suddenly closed, it must be awful.

Once everyone's rights are protected it will be easier

I am glad to read this case shows the 1st mother as involved and obviously positively because it also shows the child's belief it's a good thing.

My mistake I see was talking of my own personal situation.
Jenna you have a great family & I am always happy to see how you have a positive open adoption that benefits your daughter. That was our hope when we adopted as well.
I might enjoy future reading, but I will not "bemoan" my situation on our blog further. Sorry

should have said YOUR blog, sorry

Oh, I was speaking generally about what I've experienced and witnessed over years ... not about Peanut's experience. More addressing the court case.

Best of luck.