Core Issues in Adoption: Rejection

I took a day off because writing about the issues surrounding the losses that birth parents experience in adoption was somewhat draining. Today I’m jumping right into the next topic: rejection.

When initially discussing the topic with some other members of the triad, I found that some people assume that rejection issues are an “adoptee only thing.” However, as stated before, these are issues that all members of the triad experience, in differing levels, and birth parents are not immune to feelings of rejection. As this series is looking at how the Core Issues in Adoption affect birth parents, I had to stop and really think about how fear of rejection or a perception of rejection can alter the way a birth parent acts or reacts to a situation. The article hits on a point, briefly, that I feel we should explore in further depth:

Triad members attempt to decipher what they did or did not do that led to the loss. Triad members become sensitive to the slightest hint of rejection, causing them either to avoid situations where they might be rejected or to provoke rejection in order to validate their earlier negative self-perceptions.

I think, first and foremost, many birth parents deal with a perception of rejection by either their family or society at large. As many birth parents are unwed, the stigma of being a single parent is thrown at them suddenly and without apology. The expectant mothers often feel this stigma in the most visible and recognizable ways because they are the ones growing with child, however expectant fathers have also stated that they felt the effects of the stigma because they weren’t financially stable at that point in time.

For so many, the first feelings of rejection come directly from the family. Disappointed, angry, ashamed and worried for their own child, parents of children experiencing an unplanned pregnancy may say or do things in the heat of the moment that they may live to regret for the rest of their lives. However, for their own personal reasons, apologies are often not offered during the pregnancy. (For example, I received my apology three years later.) No child grows up thinking to themselves, “I wonder how I could possibly disappoint and anger my parents the most!” Feelings rejected by one’s own parents can be devastating to an expectant couple’s self-esteem and belief in their ability to parent the child.

As the couple then begins to navigate the increasingly difficult path to receive state funded medical and financial assistance, societal rejection comes into play. While we have systems set up specifically to support situations like these, our society is still largely unaccepting of young, unwed and pregnant mothers. While those who have never dealt with the experience first-hand will say that they’ve never seen evidence of such things, any mother forced to received third-rate medical care because it was her only option will tell you that our society has no patience for their plight.

As if the rejection directly associated with the unplanned pregnancy wasn’t enough, things seem to get worse when adoption plans come into discussion. Families who initially balked at the idea of their own child raising a child out of wedlock have been known to refuse to speak to the couple if adoption is the final and chosen path. At the same time, they make no specific offers to help the couple either financially or emotionally. Doctors offices have been known to give even less respectable care once an adoption plan is spoken of, treating the mother harshly with words and in physical care.

After the baby is born and placed with the adoptive family, even in today’s open adoption era, many birth parents are faced with the fact that they have no one to talk to about their emotions. Family members want to “forget that it happened.” Therapists with experience in adoption are hard to find. Feeling confused and suddenly recognizing that their loss is their own private battle, those feelings of rejection are not just perceived: they are a daily reminder of that loss.

Playing off of that rejection comes the fear of rejection. For some birth parents, the memories of the rejection of their child and their role as parent in the eyes of their family or society only further compound future choices. To have felt rejected in such a huge and life-altering way can fully destroy any self-confidence that the birth parents had prior to the pregnancy, birth and placement of their child.

Afraid to reach out to new people, they avoid making friends post-placement. It makes sense: they’ve already been rejected concerning the pregnancy and placement of their child by those who should love them unconditionally so why should new people, who have no reason to love them at all, accept them with all of their faults?

The same goes for attempting new things. Feeling as if their role of parenthood was denied to them because of some internal fault, some birth parents shy away from larger educational goals or new job experiences. While some birth parents may lead successful lives, I think most would admit to feeling scared or afraid of that failure or rejection in their professional lives at some point in time. Some may or may not attribute it to the loss suffered in adoption.

An often undiscussed topic for birth parents, rejection can have a huge effect on future relationships and successes. Unfortunately for some, this issues is something that is never overcome. Forever reminded of their failures, some birth parents never get out from under what they determine to be their biggest downfall in life. While others do go on to have successful relationships and personal achievements, an underlying fear can cause hesitation at times. I think it’s important for birth parents to understand how these feelings can be associated to their loss and to recognize that they are neither alone or doomed to be failures for all time. For me, it is important to remember: I am not defined by my title of birth mother. That’s how I have personally started new relationships and accomplished new things since the pregnancy and placement.

Tomorrow we’ll attempt to tackle guilt/shame. If you have anything to say on the matter that you think needs to be included, please e-mail me at firstparentblogger@adoptionmail.com . Thank you!

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For more on the Issues Surrounding Adoption for Birth Parents, read:

1. The Core Issues in Adoption by Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan, 1982.

2. The Core Issues in Adoption for Birth Parents by Jenna Hatfield.

3. Core Issues in Adoption: Loss by Jenna Hatfield.

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Article reference. Photo Credit.

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