Most people like to be in control of their lives. When it comes to adoption, many birth parents feel as if they were not in control, completely or even remotely, of the decision that lead to the placement of their child. In the events that surrounded the pregnancy and decision making process, the expectant parents may have felt completely helpless. Either frozen by fear or forced to do something that was against their will by family or other people, many look upon that time period as the most helpless in their lives. It is no surprise that many birth parents then have issues with control throughout their lives.

I personally do not think the article begins to cover what this issue can and could mean for birth parents. It is as if they only briefly covered it or didn't quite understand everything this issue entails for those who have felt completely powerless. Also, for the first time in actual wording, the authors of the article have included birth parents who have had children removed from their homes as opposed to voluntary placement.

Birthparents did not grow up with romantic images of becoming accidentally pregnant or abusing their children and surrendering them for adoption. In contrast, the pregnancy or abuse is a crisis situation whose resolution becomes adoption. In order to solve the predicament, birthparents must surrender not only the child but also their volition, leading to feelings of victimization and powerlessness that may become themes in birthparents' lives.

The truth remains that the mothers from the Baby Scoop Era were victimized. Their rights were ignored and trampled over. Their babies were taken from their arms. Today's versions are less blatant but the victimization of mothers who are considering adoption is still present in today's adoption practices. For mothers and fathers who have lost children because of neglect or abuse, many are often confused as to how they got to that point in their life. (Not a justification of the reasons their children were taken away but a glimpse into their lives.) However, this is where the article ends: feeling victimized.

But how does that feeling further have an effect on a birth parent's life and decision making process? How does that feeling of helplessness play into other things? What does this issue really mean past a feeling?

It means a lot for various birth parents. Feeling victimized can do a few things to a person. It can cause one to let people walk all over them in the future. The mindset behind this reaction is that they've already been treated poorly so why should they expect more. However, some turn that feeling of victimization and turn it around, needing and demanding control in every life situation and relationship that comes along after the trauma. This can be a positive thing, allowing the birth parent to succeed in many things or, as too much of anything can be bad, it can prove to set the birth parent up for future failures. Demanding control usually makes others wary of you and can be detrimental in relationships.

Some examples include demanding to be in control of a relationship, which should be a give and take. Being too demanding with future children and their successes. For example, making "sure" your children succeed by involving them in absolutely every possible extra-curricular activity known to mankind. While taking the lead in certain things, especially different areas of parenting, is paramount to some successes, finding that balance between leading and being lead (or sharing the lead!) is vitally important.

In the specific area of adoption, we run into a problem with birth parents who are stuck in a mastery and control issue when it comes to reunion and open adoption. In reunion, it is so vitally important to listen to the cues of the adoptee while sharing your own personal boundaries. For birth parents who demand control, the adoptee may feel threatened or angered and thus decide that they don't want any contact. This, of course, is displeasing to the birth parent who wants to maintain control of the situation and a bad cycle can develop. In open adoption, if a birth parent can't find that give-and-take with the adoptive parents and eventually the adoptee, communication will break down. (Of course, it then comes into question whether or not birth parents should act like doormats for adoptive parents who are experiencing their own version of the mastery and control issue. The answer is no: always give-and-take.)

Finding balance is the important way to deal with this issue. It can be difficult. Having someone in your life who will hold you accountable for your actions during this time, whether you're acting like a doormat or a dictator, can help you distinguish between appropriate responses to a situation and ones that may hurt you or others in the process.

Tomorrow I'm going to go over some of this info in a brief summary while offering up links to blog entries of other people who have covered these issues for birth parents. Sometimes hearing these words from the direct source, instead of in a removed way, can help people better understand the underlying issues. (If you have a link you'd like to share about one of these topics, please e-mail me at firstparentblogger@adoptionmail.com .) Thank you!

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For more on the Issues Surrounding Adoption for Birth Parents, read:

1. The Core Issues in Adoption by Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan, 1982.

2. The Core Issues in Adoption for Birth Parents by Jenna Hatfield.

3. Core Issues in Adoption: Loss by Jenna Hatfield.

4. Core Issues in Adoption: Rejection by Jenna Hatfield.

5. Core Issues in Adoption: Guilt & Shame by Jenna Hatfield.

6. Birth Mother Guilt by Jan Baker.

7. Core Issues in Adoption: Grief by Jenna Hatfield.

8. Core Issues in Adoption: Identity by Jenna Hatfield.

9. Core Issues in Adoption: Intimacy by Jenna Hatfield.

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