As stated previously, I’m taking this week to discuss the Core Issues in Adoption. I’m starting at the beginning of the list with a doozy-and-a-half: Loss. Please remember that I’m speaking solely of the birth parent perspective.
The loss(es) experience in adoption for birth parents aren’t necessarily hard to figure out. Even the most dim to adoption issues can understand that a birth parent physically loses a child in the process of an adoption. But is that where the loss ends? Hardly! The article begins to hit on the other losses associated with placement.
Birthparents lose, perhaps forever, the child to whom they are genetically connected. Subsequently, they undergo multiple losses associated with the loss of role, the loss of contact, and perhaps the loss of the other birth parent, which reshape the entire course of their lives.
Stated extremely well is the fact that placement reshapes a birth parent’s entire course of life. There’s no two ways around it: it’s a life-altering experience for those who know that it is the right thing for their situation and for those who were forced by family to relinquish and everyone else in between. No matter how you feel about the idea of adoption, your life will be changed in ways that you won’t ever fully understand.
Especially for those who experienced their losses because of the closed adoption system, the reality of their loss is that it may be permanent. While most every birth parent wishes, hopes and dreams about a wonderful future reunion, there are no guarantees. Unfortunately, some adoptees were not told that they were adopted. Some adoptees died in car accidents and of health related illnesses before they reached the age of consent. Some adoptees have no desire to search, either because of their associated issues with loss or because of other extenuating factors. The reality of a permanent loss combined with the lingering hope that it is not permanent is something that birth parents of closed adoption have to face. How do you deal with a loss that your mind tells you is permanent but your heart argues?
I think, perhaps, for birth parents in open adoption the loss of the role (of mother or father) is especially pronounced. The love for a child and the instinct to protect and care for that child doesn’t magically dissipate with the signing of one’s name. For those who have visits with their child’s adoptive family, watching someone else cuddle and kiss after a fall can be unnerving. Hearing the child that you gave birth to call someone else “Mommy” or “Daddy” can be excruciating. In open adoption, the birth parent is continuously exposed to the role that they could have played had things gone differently. They are reminded of the loss at every visit and with every picture. More over, as birth parents of either closed or open adoption eras go on to have children that they will raise, this particular loss is only further pronounced. The parenting of a child really brings into light the loss of that role with the child that was relinquished. It is a daily and constant reminder of everything you lost, from poopy diapers to loving, sloppy kisses.
Some other losses, besides the other few mentioned in the quote from the article, may include a loss of faith, a loss of self or a loss of trust. I’ve heard many birth parents speak of those three specific losses in direct relation to the loss of their child. Even more important to remember is that all birth parents are different and may experience more (or less) and definitely different losses over the course of their lives. New experiences may bring new losses. The article hits the nail on the head as to why those new experiences may bring forth new losses.
The grief process in adoption, so necessary for healthy functioning, is further complicated by the fact that there is no end to the losses, no closure to the loss experience. Loss in adoption is not a single occurrence. There is the initial, identifiable loss and innumerable secondary sub-losses. Loss becomes an evolving process, creating a theme of loss in both the individual’s and family’s development. Those losses affect all subsequent development.
Without that closure, it is sometimes impossible to move past the loss. Especially for mothers of the closed adoption era who had their babies whisked away without knowing a simple thing like gender or whispering a goodbye, the questions loom too big and too deep to ever just forget. For birth parents in open adoption, the constant presence can be a constant reminder of everything lost. For either set, the inability to openly talk about the emotions involved in that loss because of society or family can further hinder that healing process.
Furthermore, while the loss is never fully brought to closure, there remains this pertinent point:
A loss in adoption is never totally forgotten. It remains either in conscious awareness or is pushed into the unconscious, only to be reawakened by later loss.
As I said before, parenting another child can bring about those feelings of loss. Yet, that’s a gain, not a loss. Experiences like miscarriage, death of a family member, or worse, a child, and the loss of ability to have further biological children can be absolutely unbearable for a birth parent. Remember that people (agencies, family members, etc) promised that we would have the initial loss in our lives (the actual relinquishment) and then we would either grow to forget or at least feel good about our decisions. The lies on top of the feelings associated with loss can be hard to handle. Even for the most well-adjusted birth parents who have sorted through their emotions, the issues with loss can pop up at surprising times.
No one likes to deal with loss. Birth parents have a life-long battle with it. Understanding that birth parents experience some (and more or less) of these feelings associated with loss will help you identify with their mental processes and can better help you help them through the tougher times.
Tomorrow we’ll talk about rejection. (Thrilling, right!)
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For More on Issues in Adoption, read:
1. The Core Issues in Adoption by Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan, 1982.
2. The Core Issues in Adoption for Birth Parents by Jenna Hatfield.
That was a great description of adoption loss for birth parents. All I will add is that many people do not understand our loss issues because they believe that we did not love or child or want to parent. Some people are puzzled that we even feel the loss.
EXCELLENT post, Jenna. Truly fabulous.
THANK YOU.
Thank you for nailing it.
It can’t have been easy to write, but… it is appreciated.