Intimacy is a big subject within itself and often people shy away from talking about it for various reasons. Even outside of adoption issues, intimacy can create problems for many individuals. So how and why would adoption affect intimacy in a birth parent? In general, it's a culmination of everything we've talked about thus far smashed into one issue:

The multiple, ongoing losses in adoption, coupled with feelings of rejection, shame, and grief as well as an incomplete sense of self, may impede the development of intimacy for triad members. One maladaptive way to avoid possible reenactment of previous losses is to avoid closeness and commitment.

Have you ever been having a bad self-image day? Did you really want to get up close and personal with your significant other? Have any other issues ever impaired your ability to get up close and personal? Maybe your brain was dwelling on other things. Maybe your heart was somewhere else. For some birth parents, this is an on-going reality of their attempts at intimacy in relationships.

Sometimes birth mothers might shy away from intimate relationships because of their physical appearance. Stretch marks can come from various life experiences (losing or gaining lots of weight, for example) but a birth mother feels that they scream, loud and clear, "I was pregnant! And I have nothing to show for it but these awful purple tracks on my abdomen! And breasts! And therefore I am both internally flawed and physically disgusting!" Getting past the physical experience and what it may say about their inward being is a hard fight fought by many birth mothers. Some don't get over it, insisting on shielding their scars from even long-married husbands.

On another level, birth parents may be associating the act of being intimate with the loss in their lives. The article hits on this well.

Birthparents may come to equate sex, intimacy, and pregnancy with pain leading them to avoid additional loss by shunning intimate relationships. Further, birthparents may question their ability to parent a child successfully. In many instances, the birthparents fear intimacy in relationships with opposite sex partners, family or subsequent children.

Sex equals baby equals life-long pain. If that was the truth, I wouldn't be signing up for it either. Whether the birth parents feel this way consciously or subconsciously, it can get int he way of a healthy intimate relationship. Even those who are fully aware of all available methods of birth control may have this underlying fear. Of course, especially, for birth parents who became pregnant by a defective form of birth control, this fear may be very large in their minds.

Beyond the actual act of sex, as the article hints near the end of the last quote, intimacy with family, friends and future children may also be impaired by this fear. It can also be defined as "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group." (Dictionary.com) These close, familiar relationships with others can also be affected by the issues surrounding adoption. Some birth parents go out of their way to avoid making new friends. Some let the old relationships that they had with very close friends prior to the relinquishment fall through because they can't handle the memories and the closeness anymore. Some have stated that bonding with subsequent children has been difficult because of the fear that this child was also going to be taken away. Relationships can become difficult and cumbersome for a birth parent dealing with intimacy issues.

While this would be a good time to tell birth parents dealing with such things that they aren't alone, that's the exact opposite of what some need during the sorting through of these feelings and problems. Sometimes they need space. Sometimes they need to be reminded that they have someone nearby who will answer at any time. Sometimes they need to be smothered in love. Each birth parent differs. Find out which one you are and let those around you know when you need space, when you need someone immediately reachable by phone and when you just need love.

Tomorrow? Mastery & Control.


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For more on the Issues Surrounding Adoption for Birth Parents, read:

1. The Core Issues in Adoption by Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan, 1982.

2. The Core Issues in Adoption for Birth Parents by Jenna Hatfield.

3. Core Issues in Adoption: Loss by Jenna Hatfield.

4. Core Issues in Adoption: Rejection by Jenna Hatfield.

5. Core Issues in Adoption: Guilt & Shame by Jenna Hatfield.

6. Birth Mother Guilt by Jan Baker.

7. Core Issues in Adoption: Grief by Jenna Hatfield.

8. Core Issues in Adoption: Identity by Jenna Hatfield.

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