I approach this issue with minor hesitation. It's a big topic that I'm hoping to cover with some sense of coherence. Guilt and shame are tied into adoption for so many birth parents for so many different reasons. So, let's give it a go.

First and foremost, I think it will be necessary to define both guilt and shame so we can differentiate the two as we try to cover this issue. When researching this topic, I came across a great quote that will help readers (those dealing with the topic and those not) understand the differences.

"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me.

Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake.

Guilt says what did was not good; shame says I am no good."

Bradshaw (1988).

As you can see, guilt has to do with the action. You feel guilty because you did x-thing. Shame, on the other hand, is how you feel about yourself. You feel that x-thing happened because you are somehow flawed. Keep that in mind as we continue through this topic.

For many birth parents, the guilt and shame begin at the very beginning: the unplanned pregnancy. Some birth parents came from highly religious families and feel guilty for letting their families down or shameful for having sinned in the eyes of God. Others find themselves in the crossfire of dirty looks and comments from strangers, reminding them that they are now a failure and should be ashamed of everything they have done to end up in this predicament. The words and actions of others during the unplanned pregnancy can stick with a birth parent for a long time.

However, the article itself stops there with regard to birth parent guilt and shame. I found myself quite shocked that so much of the issue had been neglected. Then again, I told myself that this was written in 1982, before first mothers and fathers were speaking out with regularity and increasing strength. Simply put: there is more to birth parent guilt and shame than just the act of sex and unwed conception.

For many birth parents, there is an intrinsic guilt and shame attached to the "need" to place the child for adoption in the first place. Many birth parents have spoken of the guilt they feel regarding the fact that they were not financially stable or emotionally prepared to parent a child at that point in their life. They speak of feeling as though they failed their child on the very basic of levels. They speak of the guilt associated with that failure. I've also talked with mothers who ended up parenting their children but researched adoption early in their pregnancies. They have also told me of the guilt associated with even researching the option: the idea of ever letting go of their child is enough to fill their hearts with guilt and shame.

For some birth parents, the guilt and shame don't necessarily stop with not being the parent they needed to be at the time. Others have spoken of the guilt they feel that they actually and physically let go of their child. They feel a shame for breaking the bond that so many other parents say they would kill before they would let happen. They wonder what is inherently wrong within their hearts or souls that they were actually able to put the pen to paper. Furthermore, especially when speaking of our mothers from the Baby Scoop Era and closed adoption horror stories, so many are overcome with a guilt for not speaking up and saying, "No! This is my baby." That feeling, of course, is not unique to that era and has crossed over into today's open adoption world. It is felt by birth mothers who wanted to parent but felt pressured or coerced by family members or an agency.

Even looking outside of the things directly altered by the adoption (the actual placement, for example), birth parents have spoken of guilt that touches various aspects of their lives. Guilt for succeeding in life after placement: did I only succeed in x-thing because I placed my child for adoption? Is her absence really worth x-title at my job or x-salary? Guilt upon having other children: do I only have this child because I placed another child for adoption? Does the presence of this child make up for the lack of that one? Guilt for any happiness: shouldn't I be sad that I lost my child? Is there something wrong with me that I'm finding joy in life? (This then leads into further feelings of shame along with the guilt.) Guilt for any number of things, including failures in life out of fear that the child will then view the birth parent as a "bad" person and thus justify the need for adoption.

However, the guilt I hear spoken about most often, in so many different words, is the guilt that birth parents feel for any negative effects the adoption may have on their child's life. No body hands an expectant mother considering adoption books like The Primal Wound. Many birth parents don't know about the (argued) plight of adoptees until well after placement is signed and sealed. Learning that adoptees also go through their own version of the very same Core Issues in Adoption can be shocking to a birth parent.

Agencies tell you that placement is always in the best interest of the child. They might, if they have a sense of ethical responsibility to the future birth family, talk about some things that a birth parent might experience on an emotional level. But no information is given regarding what their child might (or might not) experience. Coming to realize that they may have, without their knowledge, put their child in a situation that could cause them emotional difficulty is something that many birth parents find hard to deal with on many levels. The guilt that comes with either not knowing or just simply having put their child in that situation can be overwhelming. The fear that the child may resent them for having caused such things is also daunting. Yet, at the point that they recognize or learn of these things, it is often too late to make a change to their plan. This is why some argue that open adoption can be beneficial to both adoptees and birth parents. In that situation, birth parents can then reassure their child as they grow and form their own opinions on the matter that they were always loved and that the birth parent only wanted the best for the child.

In the end, manysurrounding adoption can cause a birth parent to feel guilty or shameful. It doesn't stop with the pregnancy. Unfortunately, guilt and shame seem to be an ever-evolving presence in the life of a parent who has placed a child for adoption. It ebbs and flows over the years, restructuring itself often with new life changes. While no two birth parents are going to experience guilt in the same way throughout their entire journeys, birth parents should find comfort in knowing that some other birth parent, somewhere on this Earth, has felt something similar. While our experiences are unique, the issue is not. You are never alone.

Tomorrow? Grief. (Good grief!) Any tips on covering that to the best of my ability would be greatly appreciated.

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For more on the Issues Surrounding Adoption for Birth Parents, read:

1. The Core Issues in Adoption by Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan, 1982.

2. The Core Issues in Adoption for Birth Parents by Jenna Hatfield.

3. Core Issues in Adoption: Loss by Jenna Hatfield.

4. Core Issues in Adoption: Rejection by Jenna Hatfield.

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Article reference. Guilt and Shame quote reference. Photo credit.