No one denies that grief exists in adoption. All sides of the triad have struggles with their own grief, so how does it play into a birth parent's experience. What causes the grief? What happens when that grief is ignored? How do you deal with it?

First and foremost, understanding that the losses in adoption must be grieved is important. The article hits on that idea right off the bat:

Every loss in adoption must be grieved. The losses in adoption, however, are difficult to mourn in a society where adoption is seen as a problem-solving event filled with joy. There are no rituals to bury the unborn children; no rites to mark off the loss of role of caretaking parents; no ceremonies for lost dreams or unknown families. Grief washes over triad members' lives, particularly at times of subsequent loss or developmental transitions.

It is difficult to grieve the loss of a child to adoption when the rest of the world views it as a good thing. The wording often offered up to birth parents searching for some answers comes out something like, "Well, it's for the best." Of course, birth parents can then internalize that well-intentioned placating sentence and start to wonder what is fundamentally wrong with them that their child is better off elsewhere. (See Guilt & Shame for more on how birth parents are affected by such things.)

The article goes on to talk about the five stages of grief, which many of us know to be denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While many have talked about dealing with each of those things in their healing journey, I have witnessed many birth parents go through these stages in different and varying orders. Anger may come before depression. Bargaining may come before denial. I encourage every parent who has placed a child for adoption to realize that there is no right way to grieve. Just because you go through your stages in a different order or for a longer period of time than your family or friends think is socially acceptable doesn't mean that you are a failure at healing. Deal in your own way and at your own pace.

As the article began to focus on the grief that birth parents experience, I got excited and then immediately was disappointed.

Birthparents may undergo an initial, brief, intense period of grief at the time of the loss of the child, but are encouraged by well-meaning friends and family to move on in their lives and to believe that their child is better off. The grief, however, does not vanish, and, in fact, it has been reported that birthmothers may deny the experience for up to ten years (Campbell 1979).

There's a time limit on grief? You wake up at the ten year mark and suddenly there is no longing for the child you have lost? Surely not! While I have seen my own grief ebb and flow over the years, I do not imagine a day when I will wake up and magically feel no affliction, sorrow or painful regret. It is true that there are joys for both myself and many birth parents, whether in closed or open adoption. Life brings joy and we should feel free to celebrate them! However, I don't agree with a time limit on grief. I know many other birth parents who have gone through the stages of grief, reached that acceptance point and still feel a longing for what could have or would have been under different or better circumstances. Again, I think we do a disservice to any triad member when we try to place limitations on their grieving process. We are all unique. While one birth parent may be able to quickly process their grief and compartmentalize that part of their life, others have been and can be forever emotionally scarred by the relinquishment. Neither way is right or wrong, so don't tell birth parents how they should be grieving!

Furthermore, I want to speak briefly on a topic that the article on briefly skimmed over for all triad members. In the first quote above, it mentioned that grief can be revived by further losses or new things in one's life. This is again something that birth parents are not warned about as they sign the papers relinquishing their rights. It can be a dangerous thing not to know as being side-swiped with grief that you thought was resolved can be quite unnerving. Events like the death of a close friend or family member can reopen the wound of that previous grief. Even happy events like a marriage can seem somewhat dimmed by the fact that the child is not present. For me, personally, the birth of our first parented child was emotionally catastrophic. I thought I had dealt with all of my grief and had become someone others could lean on. Instead, my world was turned upside down by emotions I didn't know to expect. The grief was almost paralyzing. It took therapy to get me through that experience and I strongly suggest a good therapist to anyone struggling to get through a stage (or two!) of grief.

So what can birth parents do to handle the grief? Many can attest to things that you should avoid: alcohol, abusive relationships, wallowing to the point that it begins to effect your physical health. Many have found that journaling is a great way to get those emotions out. Reading back through the journal as you progress through your grief can be a great indicator for how far you have come and help you see where you need to go. For some birth parents, like myself, therapy is a great option. Finding a therapist with experience in adoption is sometimes difficult, especially in more rural areas, but a good therapist is worth the search. Meeting with other birth parents in a group setting to discuss issues like grief (and others like loss, rejection, guilt & shame) can help a birth parent make sense of what he or she is feeling and let them know that they are not alone.

A note about depression: while it is a normal stage of grief to experience depressed feelings or depression, please do not hesitate to contact your health care provider if you notice your symptoms getting worse, it lasts for what you personally feel is too long or your thoughts start to lean towards hurting yourself or others. People are available to help. You don't have to go through this alone.

Next up? Identity! Interesting.


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For more on the Issues Surrounding Adoption for Birth Parents, read:

1. The Core Issues in Adoption by Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan, 1982.

2. The Core Issues in Adoption for Birth Parents by Jenna Hatfield.

3. Core Issues in Adoption: Loss by Jenna Hatfield.

4. Core Issues in Adoption: Rejection by Jenna Hatfield.

5. Core Issues in Adoption: Guilt and Shame by Jenna Hatfield.



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