I expect that enthusiastic responses are the natural expectation when adoptive parents announce that they have adopted a child. If you already have a large family to begin with, snide comments probably might inquire as to why you are adopting again.

In general though, I imagine that the news of a newly adopted child usually brings positive comments. When most people hear that a child has a new home, they are enthused and happy for both the child and its new family. Indeed, an enthusiastic response is a natural response and should be offered. The adoption of a child is cause for celebration, and I do not quibble with that notion.

However, my reaction, and that of many birth parents is sometimes less enthusiastic than most. I want to explore why this is sometimes the case. Although I have met several adoptive parents on line that I am friendly with, I only know one adoptive mom off line.

When I heard about the adoption of my one adoptive mom friend, my reaction was the usual enthusiastic reaction. However, her adoptions both occurred several years before my reunion, and before I felt connected to the adoption world or knew much about it.

How could I not feel a part of adoption or be ignorant about adoption as a birth mother? Simple really – until reunion, my head was so buried in the sand, I never even identified myself as a birth mother. Nor, did I read, study or know much about adoption except for my brief and narrow personal singular experience.

Therefore, when my friend announced that she was adopting her two children nearly eighteen years ago, I was properly enthused. In fact, I was thrilled for my dear friend, and thought how fortunate her children were to be adopted by my friend and her husband. In a touch of irony, I even baby-sat for my friend and her husband for several years.

My friend adopted her two children from foster care. They ended up in foster care after their mother left them with a baby-sitter one day and never returned. Needless to say, their birth mother had some big issues. She gave birth to 4-5 children and only raised one of them to adulthood.

However, even if my friend had adopted after my reunion, I think my reaction would have been the same. By the time my friend adopted her children, their birth mother was already out of the picture. There was no question of any coercion or shady practices causing her children to be taken from her against her will.

Whenever I hear of an adoption now, my first thought is of a heart-broken birth mother who has lost her child. Sometimes that is the situation and maybe it is not. However, my instant reaction is not one of joy when I hear of a new adoption, but of sorrow for the birth mother.

If details are offered, and I am told that the birth mother is dead, an alcoholic or similarly incapacitated, I feel greatly relieved. However, when I know that the birth mother was poor and desperate, I ache for her and hate that poverty likely forced her decision. If it is not clear that there was no pressure involved, I assume that it was a possibility.

Most adoptive parents now understand that adoption represents both joy and sorrow. Although there is cause for celebration, birth parents often see the pain first. Our lack of immediate rejoicing is not because we neglect to see the joy in an adoption, but because we often think first of the loss and the pain it soemtimes causes mother and child.

For some of us birth mothers, it is not that we fail to see your joy, but for us, thinking about the birth mother's fate is our focus. We know that most likely she is in for a long hard road ahead of her, and that saddens us.

Further Reading:

Support During the Adoption Process

Adopting Again



Photo by Jan Baker 2007