I get e-mails (or, on the forums, Private Messages) from readers who don't like to "put it all out there" for fear of how other commenters have treated them in the past but they still want some information. I often reply to these privately. However, I want to share a snip-it of a recent question and answer it here in hopes of helping other birth and adoptive families.

I would really like to know how you maintain that relationship, who initiates the contact, how (in from your perspective) her adoptive parents feel about the contact, how you deal with the contact you have with her adoptive parents, etc... I know that is a lot to ask, but I am really interested.

I should probably preface this with a disclaimer: all families and situations are different. On top of that, our own situation varies as we deal with the natural ebb and flow of life. That said, I can move on with my answer.

D, Munchkin's adoptive Mom, and I both work pretty hard at maintaining contact. We both send e-mails, check each others' blogs, make phone calls, share photos (online and via snail mail) and send letters and packages. To be honest, we are best with the computer as it provides instant access to one another. Thanks to our digital cameras (of which we own the same model), sending pictures is much easier than it was during the Munchkin's first year of life. We talk via instant messaging with regularity.

As far as initiating that contact, I don't think this is an issue any longer. I can't tell you whether I sent her an instant message last or she sent me one. However, as we began to form our relationship in those first post-placement months, I was more prone to let either D or J, Munchkin's Dad, contact me first. I didn't want to seem as though I was intruding. Remember, these were the days before we really had a feel for one another, before we really began to view each other as part of our family and not just an obligation or someone else to "deal with." We were feeling each other out and finding those boundaries with one another. Now? It's just a non-issue.

Maintaining our relationship comes in the form of a lot of work. It's easy to let life get in the way when you live almost seven hours apart. While we haven't been able to visit for awhile due to life circumstances, we have tried to keep in touch with one another in all of our other "normal" ways. With the maintenance also comes the need to both be honest and ask questions. An example: shortly after Parker was born late last year, I went through the usual overwhelmed period of newborn-motherhood. I didn't have much time to talk and was easily distracted or taken away from the computer by a demanding toddler and a breastfeeding newborn. D was concerned and so she simple asked, "Are you just going through the normal newborn stuff or is there something going on between us that I'm not aware of." I assured her that I was just hugely overwhelmed and that it had nothing to do with her, the adoption or any such nonsense. If she wouldn't have asked, chances are that she might have begun to distance herself. Point being? If you have a question, ask. If you have a fear, make it known. If you need the space, say so. Honesty is good.

Again, as we have a real friendship and relationship, I don't think either of us view the contact in any way other than "normal." It is what it is and, quite frankly, I enjoy it. I would assume that D enjoys talking with me and sharing things as well. (D, speak up if you get a chance.) There have been times when I've felt pangs of sadness when a new picture is shared but that is simply my reality as a first mother. It's a strange dual nature; to be so happy to see your child experience new things and to be so sad that you weren't there to experience it in person.

We've learned over the years from our mistakes. It hasn't always been easy. I've made my own share of mistakes by not remembering to be up front when I needed something more (in the form of contact) or less (in the form of space). But from those mistakes I learned that I can say those things to J & D without worry. (In fact, it's only if I keep those things from them that bad things start happening and worry really comes into play!)

And all that said? It means nothing and everything all at the same time. One family could look at this post and say, "Well, that's not how ours works at all." And another birth and adoptive mother pair are probably nodding their heads in silent agreement as to how their relationship works. The truth is: it will be whatever you make it.

Hopefully it will be something beautiful... for the sake of your child.

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For more posts on relationships with your child's adoptive parents, read here.

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