This summer I made the decision to post on our family blog about the fact that I am a birth mother. After months of therapy and many discussions with Josh, it was the right thing to do and it finally felt like the right time. That didn't mean that it was easy! Pressing the "post" button felt took an eternity.

The response was generally positive. A few people said some things that grated a nerve or two but they meant well. Those who knew my struggles to find a place for adoption in my everyday life lifted me up, reminding me why I made the decision to post in the first place. Secrecy made me feel dirty and shameful. However, I knew my true test would come as certain people from my real life read the post, thus changing their perception of me, my family and my life.

One of my most "feared" readers was an old co-worker with whom I have remained friends. In 2005, she experienced an unplanned (and unwed) pregnancy. I supported her, emotionally, throughout the pregnancy, offering advice and time. Her son was born two months after Nicholas. We had a few play dates. I never, in all of our time together, mentioned the fact that I had been in an unplanned pregnancy and had not made the decision to parent my child. Why?

I don't know the exact reasoning behind that decision. Perhaps if she had started talking about adoption or placement, I might have told her my story. She didn't go there and I didn't yet have the courage to do so on my own. My overwhelming fear of being judged probably played a part. She could parent, so why wasn't I able to? What was my fundamental flaw that made me unable to parent my own child? Was she then better than me or I worse than her? Or vice versa? I had her emotions to think of as well.

Her reply came months after the initial posting, arriving in my inbox around the Munchkin's birthday. It was enough to let me know that I had done the right thing in "outing" myself as a birth mother.

I’m glad you can now talk about your little girl. Letting people know your secerets[sic] is a very scary thing to do…trust me i know how you feel on that one. It seems like the situation worked out for the best and you seem to have a wonderful relationship with your daughter and her adopted family. I would like to read to whole story if you wouldnt mind.

No attitude. No judgement. None of my worst case scenario fears. Just acceptance of me, my story and my family. So why do I freak myself out like this?

Is it because I get comments from less than stellar anonymous internet people who think that their opinion on adoption is the be all and end all? Perhaps. Is it because I have a bunch of anxiety? Somewhat. Is it because I am disappointed in myself and therefore expect others to be disappointed in me as well? Definitely.

Next I'll share the reply from an old high school friend whom I hadn't told about the Munchkin or the adoption either. Hers meant just as much to me, if not more. Then I'll talk about why I can't bring myself to talk to either of these women since their replies and how outing myself as a birth mother has created new anxieties in my life.