In When to Close an Adoption, I offered some possible scenarios as to when adoptive parents might be considering ceasing contact in an open adoption. Although some say an open adoption can never be considered closed, when contact ceases I consider that "closing an adoption." Even if it is necessary to limit or cease physical contact, rarely are there reasons so severe that all contact needs to be severed.

When an adoption is closed, generally all contact abruptly ceases. One of the most confounding aspects of closing an adoption is when it occurs with no notice or reason. Is that possibly due to an adoptive parents' attempts to avoid a horrible scene? It is difficult to imagine any other reasons for not offering any explanation.

However, it seems unusually cruel to me to not explain why closing an adoption is necessary. Deb said recently that she does not believe that adoptive parents should be chastized if an open adoption does not work out. Scolding anyone does little good, but I do believe that closing an adoption should not be taken lightly either.

A reasonable person should understand if an adoptive parent has compelling reasons to close an adoption. However, if an adoptive parent closes an adoption without sufficient reasons, they should be held accountable. Committing to an open adoption is a sacred promise that should never be broken unless no other reasonable solution is feasible.

In Jenna’s recent post Do You Take This Birth Mother? she speculates that an open adoption is akin to a marriage. Adoptive parents were not in agreement as to what sort of a commitment an open adoption really is. Some apparently find the concept of open adoption being compared to a marriage as highly offensive. Others agreed with Jenna that for them, open adoption is a serious and lifelong commitment.

As for reasons to close an adoption, of all the scenarios that I mentioned in When to Close an Adoption post, few qualify in my mind as reasons sufficient to close an adoption. Most open adoptions probably take some time to smooth out and function well. Giving up too soon is not the answer.

When do you close an adoption? Only if serious attempts to work through major problems fail and if contact would be harmful to a child. If problems arise, some attempts at mediation or counseling should be the first step. Children may be sad after a visit for a few days, that is normal. If a child seems deeply affected and complains about each visit, finding out why is key.

If physical contact is truly harming a child and no resolution is possible, limiting contact is a possible solution. However, only in extremely rare situation does all contact need to cease. I met an adoptive dad whose children had been abused by their parents, and even he did not deny all contact. Since he feared allowing their address being disclosed, he had one cell phone especially for his children's birth parents.

Below in bold are my comments re closing adoptions in each of these situations.

Situation No 1:

Birth mother no. 1 is drug addicted. She shows up for visits seemingly high if she shows up at all. Yet your/her child still looks forward to the visits and the visits are supervised so your child is never placed in any danger.

As an adoptive parent, you begin to wonder if it is worth your time and effort to continue these visits. It upsets you to see this disturbed person, and you cannot help but wonder if the visits have any benefit to your child.

I think as long as the child’s safety is protected, you need to pay attention to how the child views visits. If the child seems to benefit from visits, I see no reason to close the adoption. Any discomfort that the adoptive parent feels needs to be dealt with, but should not be enough for an adoption to close.

Situation No. 2:
Birth mother no. 2 shows up for all visits promptly and seems to be doing well. However, after each visit, your child seems sad for a day or so. Although your child seems upset, they are not affected in such an extreme way that they cannot function or handle the situation.

For a child to be sad after a visit should not be surprising. If there is a bond with the birth mother, why wouldn’t the child be sad when she leaves? Talking to the child after a visit about the fact that sometimes being sad is okay might help make the situation less stressful for them.

Situation No. 3:
Birth mother no. 3 is a weepy mess during each visit. She seems to be adjusting poorly to the loss of her child. (Not at all unusual!) Your child can obviously sense this, and you wonder if continuing visits is healthy for your child. You have concerns that the birth mother's attitude is too upsetting for your child.

Instead of closing the adoption, do what you can to guide the birth mother towards some help in dealing with her issues. Many birth mothers get little or no helpful support or therapy after the adoption, and need help in learning how to cope. Closing the adoption might appear to solve your short term problems, and the child’s, but it certainly will not help the birth mother. In the long run, closing the adoption might not be best for the child either.

Do what you can for your child to handle the situation until things hopefully improve. Work with the birth mother and express your concerns and try to find some support for her that might help her adjust better.

Situation No. 4:
Birth mother no. 4 is a bossy, rude and thoroughly disagreeable human being. Just being around her sets your teeth on edge and you dread the thought of being linked to her in any way for the rest of your child’s life. You cannot stand the woman, think she is worthless and a bad influence on your child. She curses, smokes like a chimney in front of your child and is thoroughly obnoxious.

Your child seems ambivalent about being in touch with her. Before a visit, your child generally acts out and drives you up the wall. As time passes, your child questions the relevance of these visits and does not want them to continue. In fact, your child begins to complain bitterly about why they must endure these visits.

This situation might warrant either limiting contact or discontinuing it if the birth mother is not willing to make some serious changes.

Situation No. 5:
Your child is always very eager to see his/her birth mother and they seem to enjoy visits. However, you have concerns that maybe the birth mother needs to detach more from her child. Their relationship makes you a bit jealous and you wonder if you might be able to bond better with your child if the birth mother is out of the picture.

See the response to no. 3. Being jealous of the birth mother is not a sufficient reason to close an adoption. Neither is the fact that you believe that the birth mother is too attached to the child. She is one of your child’s mothers, and being attached to her child is entirely normal. Bonding between an adoptive mother and her child can occur with or without a birth mother in the picture.

In other words, an adoption should close, in my opinion, only if contact is detrimental to a child and their adoptive family, and no solution can be found to improve the situation. Many open adoptions sound tough in the beginning, but improve over time. I think all parties need to give the situation enough time to make it work if possible.

Further Reading:

Closing an Adoption