Birth Parents Blog, First Parents Blog

07/18/07

Closing an Adoption

Posted by : Jan Baker in Birth-First Parent Blog at 01:04 am , 315 words, 139 views
Categories: Issues for OA Families

There is little that can be more devastating for a parent in an open adoption than to suddenly have the door slammed shut abruptly in her face, and receive no explanation for it. Unfortunately, this does happen with some frequency.

One birth mother that I know who lives in Europe received a letter from the agency telling her that the adoptive parents had reconsidered shortly after final papers were signed. They at least offered some vague reasons for their decision, even if they were somewhat lame.

Other birth mothers report receiving no explanation at all. In fact, in a few situations, the adoptive parents simply vanished with no word. Is closing an open adoption sometimes justified? There are probably some situations in which it might be. However, closing an adoption with no explanation seems cruel and unnecessary.

Even when visits prove detrimental to a child’s welfare, I think trying to maintain even limited contact can be beneficial for a child. Otherwise, a child is left feeling abandoned by a birth parent a second time. That cannot be good for a child.

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Not all adoptees consider being relinquished to adoption as abandonment, however, some do think of it in exactly those terms. I have heard adoptees say that they feel that their first parents rejected them, and it is not a good feeling to have. Some adoptees feel that their adoption was nothing but positive, and assign no evil motives to their birth parents for their adoption decision. Reactions can be quite varied, but closing an adoption can seem like yet another abandonment.

Closing an adoption can have many serious ramifications and should not occur unless it needs to happen to insure a child's safety. Are there any other good reasons to close an adoption? Some will say that there are.

Further Reading:

Disappearing Birth Moms

Reasons to Close an Adoption.

Photo by Jan Baker 2007

13 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: erin_d_a [Member]

nope. A childs wellbeing is the only reason to close an adoption.

I've heard of adoptive parents closing an adoption because their three year old seems to be having problems processing who birth mom is, and they think that is harmful. Wrong. I think in those cases it is the aparents who are uncomfortable.

Unless the childs physical or mental wellbeing are truly being hurt there isn't a good reason to close an adoption. Being uncomfortable is not a good reason.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 04:24

Comment from: Jenna Hatfield [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Are there many good reasons? Physical or emotional harm or actual threat of physical or emotional harm happen to be the only reasons that I believe are "good" enough to close an adoption.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 07:35

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

Problem is what seems like a "good reason" in the belief of one family, might not to another.
I believe people should all begin with the honest intent to make things work, but they should not be chastized if things don't.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 09:38

Comment from: erin_d_a [Member]

"Problem is what seems like a "good reason" in the belief of one family, might not to another."

I see what you are saying, but I've heard way WAY to often that a "good reason" is that aparents are uncomfortable around bmom. That isn't a good reason. IMO the only good reasons are abuse. There is nothing else.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 15:11

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

Abuse of who? Only the child? What if adoptive parents suddenly find themselves verbally and emotional attacked by birthparents during visits? I wonder how long you would wish to continue visits, or expose your child, if birthfamily were treating you negatively, or blaming you unfairly for their grief.
As someone who has worked hard at an open adoption for several years, and then found themselves suddenly broadsided by a change in birthfamily’s attitude toward our family, I can attest that all well made plans can change. This is NOT what we intended for our open adoption. Being a doormat for birthfamily frustration is not something I feel it is fair to expect adoptive parents to just grin and bear. Hearing about birthparent grief is one thing, being strangled by the force of the anger being directed at you personally, is quite another.
Erin, you speak in terms of black and white. You seem to believe that everyone should be willing and able to do things the way you feel is most effective. Unfortunately, in adoption, even open adoption, I have found there are many shades of grey. As much as you might try to respect the other party, you cannot define (or plan) what they will choose to do.
While I hope that your child’s birthmom will never wake up one day and decide that YOU are the reason for all her troubles in life, I can tell you it happens, even when you think you have done everything to prevent it.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 15:51

Comment from: erin_d_a [Member]

Wow Deb. It seems you have a lot of anger toward me. First I stated it was my opinion, and you certainly took a lot of liberty to "add" to my opinion. I think it is pretty obvious that abuse of adoptive parents is emotional abuse of the children, as it isn't healthy for children to see their parents abused. I don't know if this would justify closing an adoption, but perhaps some time off to cool down and work through the issues. I'm sorry if you don't agree with my opinion, but disagreements don't equal attacks, and I was NOT attacking you despite your angry response to me. I was stating that I have heard a LOT of aparents have felt that their being uncomfortable was a reason to close a relationship. It seems as though perhaps you see anybody disagreeing with you as personally attacking, just as it seems to you that I only see black and white. Perhaps judgments online of people we don't know well isn't wise.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 16:24

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

"Perhaps judgments online of people we don't know well isn't wise."

Agreed!

I agree that for an adoption to close takes more than adoptive parents being "uncomfortable." An upcoming blog will discuss this in further detail.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 19:32

Comment from: mommy24 [Member]

I am a first mom who had a semi-open adoption closed, with no explanation or warning given. We communicated through letters and pictures sent through the agency for the first 7 years and then after the closing of the agency my son's adoptive parents opened a P.O.Box only to close it within a few months. I spent 9 years worrying and wondering what happened to them.? Looking at every letter I had sent, trying to figure out if I had said something wrong (I didn't). I was respectful of the boundaries, respectful of their position of parents and honestly very grateful that they were able to do what I thought I couldn't. Last October I finally located them and found out that a-dad passed away of brain tumor, giving the benefit of the doubt that maybe that is why all contact was lost, I sent a letter and still haven't received a response. I realize mine was only semi-open and we are talking about open adoption here, but if mine with just pics and letters could so easily be closed, I have to wonder if it had been completely open with visits and such, how quickly would I have been pushed aside then? Would I have even had the 7 years that I did? *sigh*

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 19:50

Comment from: erin_d_a [Member]

mommy24

I'm so sorry. I hope that you can reestablish contact at some point with your son.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 20:11

Comment from: soblessed [Member]

Deb,

In even the short time I've read your posts, I see a true and loving spirit in you and I have no doubt you have done as much as you can to maintain a good relationship with the birthfamily of your child.

Whereas Erin assumes anger in your post, I hear pain. The pain of someone who is actually involved in the painful situation of an open adoption not proceeding as hoped. I am truly very sorry for this pain you are going through. I hope and I will pray that the situation resolves to one you can all be comfortable with. It must be difficult for everyone.

And you are absoloutely right; there is no black and white in these situations; I think that's pretty clear.

"Perhaps judgments online of people we don't know well isn't wise."

I couldn't agree more.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 21:11

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

Erin, I certianly do not see what equates to an "attack" on you. I was sharing my own experience, I don't see how doing that is being angry with 'You' at all. You stated...

"IMO the only good reasons are abuse. There is nothing else."

I just shared that I disagree, there are other things, and I explained why I felt that way. I said nothing in form of an attack on you, but again I have no control over how you choose to "hear" what I have said.

"Perhaps judgments online of people we don't know well isn't wise."

Well I agree. You don't know me, or my personal experience, which has obviously been different from your own (and I have three open adoptions, I was only addressing one). Just because things have not come to pass for me, as they have for you, does not mean that you can sit in judgement of me or my experience right?

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 21:26

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Mommy 24 - Open or semi-adoption - still contact was abruptly stopped. No matter what happened, how hard would it have been to continue a letter and photo once in awhile?

I am sorry that you had that happen. Unfortunately, I have heard many birth moms in open adoptions with similar stories.

Permalink 07/18/07 @ 22:50

Comment from: happygmom [Member]

My family heard about many, many cases of open adoptions being closed by adoptive parents, including a close friend of my daughter's. The circumstances of this case were very similar to the experience of mommy24, except that the closure was within months after birth.

Adoption closure was a HUGE factor in my daughter's decision not to pursue adoption and made us, her parents, dig deeper into the emotional effects of adoption on first parents.

Happy G'Ma

Permalink 07/19/07 @ 05:02

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