December 25th, 2011
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christmasThere is an emptiness aching in my chest tonight, throbbing and sending echoes of pain through me. It is keeping me up, and I am somewhat at unrest. I was laying in bed thinking about my idea of a perfect day, a perfect gift.

I was thinking about Phoenix. I want to read him a story, hug him, know the joy of his smile beaming back at me. I want nothing more then a moment in time to say hello on this sorrowful Christmas.

I sometimes feel like my heart is missing, and it wanders away to darker places for me. Today is one of those.

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He is going to wake up and have a Christmas with his family, and I will be here, thinking of him and that last Christmas, 5 days from delivery.

It was 2008 and I was 5 days from having him, and I saw my Dad at the Family Christmas and I told him, the man who had never been a real father to me, the person who had hurt me so much that I forgave him.

I remember the heaviness, the brokenness of that time, the utter loneliness. It is so raw to me right now,  real as it was three years ago. Yet healing began with that act of forgiveness, and started there in my life to really begin to make it possible to heal.

Today I have great friends and family who are supportive and understanding and I am grateful for them. I have so much to be thankful for, yet my heart is mourning another day lost in his life as nothing.

I don’t have a tree up or decorations up…it’s not practical and I am barely surviving in the situation I am in at the moment. If I did maybe it would feel sacred, maybe it would feel more then just a day of sorrow.

It’s 2:14 am right now, and maybe, just maybe I need to sleep and I will feel better in the morning but right now I could curl into a fetal position and cry.

I am really grateful that feelings and emotions are transitional, but also one of my beliefs is that emotions are there to teach us.

What does sorrow revisited have to teach me that I have not already grieved though?

This is what Holidays have become in many ways…I attempt to not deal with things by being busy. It’s the time of year for family, it’s time to exchange gifts and catch up on old times, and new experiences.

I think I am going to create a tradition. I am going to allow myself to mourn and be sad but I will be stronger because I will learn from it. I don’t want to be a victim of Christmas past, and want to look forward to the future where maybe I can put up Christmas stockings for each of my kids, and make them breakfast, open presents…

One day, maybe. If anything, I will allow myself to dream. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make them a little easier to work through.

So with that thought in mind, and the Christmas spirit intact despite my heart’s heaviness, I want you, my faithful readers to be joyful today and everyday, here on.

Merry Christmas,

Nellie

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One Response to “Christmas Mourning”

  1. robnjaimebaker2009 says:

    Nellie,

    I can appreciate both aspects of the coin you suffer. I allowed my precious little one a life that I could not provide him when I was younger. Now, I am facing the challenge of adoption for my family now. Please know, Phoenix will love you so much when the day comes, and it will. You should not mourn sweet girl, celebrate his life – take the life you have now and enrich it with service to others. You will find that your sadness will lessen, not go away, but lessen. Move forward, gain an education, stay firm in the knowledge that you, as a mother, have sacrificed all for your child. Phoenix, maybe the child in another family, but he is always your child. None of our children are truly ours. Our children are on loan to us, entrusted to provide, protect and lead in this mortal experience. They belong to Heavenly Father, and you have done what a good mother should given her circumstance. You must have been a very valiant woman in the pre-mortal existence to have accepted this trial. I long for a child now terribly at 42, I am married to the man of my dreams, and can tell you serving has saved my heart. We just provided Christmas to children in CPS custody from the ages of 2 to 14, that would not have had any Christmas. This kind of service always heals my heart. Know you are loved, beyond measure and you are never alone.

    Merry Christmas,

    Jaime & Rob

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