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I’ve talked about the appropriate reasons and not-so-appropriate reasons that adoptive parents may choose to close a once-open adoption. And so the question remains: can you, as a birth parent, close the adoption? Or, perhaps, the question should be: should you, as a birth parnet, close the adoption?
My knee-jerk reaction is: NO!
But I know that there are always exceptions to the rule. As such, here are some reasons that I feel are appropriate for you to (temporarily!) close an adoption as a birth parent.
1. The adoptive parents have somehow abused your parented children. (Verbally or physically.)
2. The adoptive parents refuse to respect your boundaries or the boundaries within your own family.
3. There is an abuse issue between your relinquished child and your parented children.
4. The adoptive parents are verbally (or physically) abusive to you.
Note that these are all pretty strong and “big” reasons. While the mention of addiction and alcohol abuse was mentioned in the list of reasons for adoptive parents to close the adoption, I don’t believe it’s right for you to close the adoption (even if you have parented children) based on reasons like that.
Wait. Why the double standard?
Your child might need your emotional support during that very tumultuous time in his/her life. I didn’t say that you needed to invite them over with your newborn child while they are drunk or high. I just said you need to be available. Cutting back contact to email or letters during such a time may be what you need to do to survive. But totally closing off contact for reasons that don’t involve eminent harm to your family is not something I can advise.
It does seem like a double standard, I know. But the truth is that I expect more from birth parents. Why? We know the loss and the grief associated with the separation of mother from child. You, however, chose open adoption not to totally remove that grief for your child but to ease the questions that will eventually occur. As such, a second rejection could really harm your child on many different levels. You do, however, have the right to protect your family. If abuse (verbal or physical) is happening, you need to get away and quickly. You need to protect your immediate, in-house family first and then work on outside relationships.
And even though I firmly believe that those reasons are appropriate to close an adoption, I also firmly believe that if the adoptive family reaches out again, it would be in the best interest of your child to re-establish contact. Counseling may be needed in order to fix it, of course, but if they’re willing, go for it.
