Can We Assign Our Own Titles, Please?

When I first came to write for AdoptionBlogs, I stated my preference in referring to myself as a first mother. I also stated that I do respond to birth mother and use both terms with some frequency in my writing. I haven’t revisited the topic since that time. However, after some recent hubbub on the internet and in the blogosphere, I’m wondering if it isn’t time to revisit it in a different manner.

I stated my personal preference. Quite a few people commented with legitimate questions as to how to refer to the general public when writing so as not to offend. I offered up general ideas. However, that was almost nine months ago. In other places (like forums, blogs and general discussion), the terminology subject seems to have resurfaced for many various reasons. People are on edge again. Yet this time, instead of some confusion over which term is appropriate for usage, we’re running into another problem:

People who don’t belong to a specific side of the triad demanding that the members of that part of the triad accept the name that they deem most appropriate.

I won’t claim to speak for the entire relinquishing triad. I know that there are many of us who all prefer to be titled something slightly different. I write about myself by using first mother and first mom. Some are comfortable with birth mother. There are others who, for their specific reasons as one mother stated on the comments of that first post, prefer to be called a biological mother. There are others who do prefer the less socially accepted titles of natural and/or real mother.

I’ve always basically believed it is akin to the many different names we take on as individuals, parents and family members. I go by Jenna here on the blogs and in most of my real life. However, that is not my given first name. (If you were born in the early 80’s, chances are you’re related to or know someone who shares my first name.) Certain family members of mine actually still refer to me with my childhood nickname of Jenny; I don’t go by that in my everyday life and, honestly, sometimes it makes me cringe. However, I respond to it because I love the people who use it. My everyday son calls me “Mummy.” Someday I assume he’ll shorten it to Mom/Mum. When he’s angry or trying to prove a point, he might use Mother. He refers to my Mother as YiaYia (pronounced Ya-ya), Greek for grandmother, and my Husband’s Mother as Nana. There are many names for the same people.

So what is the current issue? A first mother blogger recently addressed these questions in a post entitled, “You are who I say you are, nothing more!” Her questions may leave some feeling uncomfortable. They’ve left me scratching my chin and pondering why there is some discontent with naming as of late.

No matter your personal preference as a birth parent as to what you call yourself, her words resound loud and clear as to the issues we’re currently dealing with and what needs to be heard.

Why is it that society feels that it’s perfectly acceptable for others to tell us who and what we are – rather than listen to our own collective voices shouting from the rooftop to be heard?

I want to foster change. Not because I think adoptive parents are second best and not because I think I am worthy of being first…but because I should have a say in how others refer to me, I’m not a slave to adoption, assigned a label that my owner likes and thinks is worthy. I am a woman with a voice that deserves to be heard.

Adoption professionals and adoptive parents no longer get the task of telling me who I am – I don’t relinquish my ability to think when I relinquish my right to parent my child. If I’m so courageous and wonderful, then listen to my words!

Her Other Mother is a fan of the term first mother but other mothers who want to be called x, y or z title can also benefit from reading her post and going out to talk in their own spaces (blogs, forums, real life) about the question she is posing: What can we, as those who have to wear and bear the title, do to instill the idea that calling us x, y or z name is not an insult to adoptive parents, adoptees or society at large. Again, it comes down to individual experiences (or, in this case, titles) not negating the individual experiences (or, in this case, titles) of another human being.

A birth parent’s title, no matter the wording chosen, doesn’t remove the fact that the (adoptive) mother is still the everyday, in-and-out mother of the child they both love and adore. I can’t ever, in my wildest dreams, imagine telling a mother, of adoptive nature or otherwise, that she wasn’t allowed to use the name that she wanted to with her child. I am not going to tell a mother who cares for her husband’s children, who are not biologically hers, that she always has to use the determiner of “step.” I am not going to demand that a mother who adopted her children never use the familiar term of “mommy.” I am not a woman in those roles. Instead, I am a mother who relinquished my child for adoption. I prefer to be called first mother. To be so forward as to try to call me something that removes the word mother completely from my title, such as incubator, is to disrespect not only my entire being but the child as well.

In the end, I think we’ve listened for far too long to agencies who tell us how to refer to expectant mothers and mothers who have placed a child for adoption. I think it’s time to start asking mothers, individually, what they would like to be called. If you’re writing a general piece, consider using more than one term (as I frequently do). If you don’t want to call an individual birth/first mother what she prefers to be called, don’t expect that she will refer to you as you wish to be referred.

I think it’s high time that birth parents, on an individual level, start assigning their own titles instead of feeling as though we have to roll over and accept whatever society or another group of people is demanding we wear and bear. Perhaps once we start demanding that respect, society will realize that we don’t all fall under the stereotypes that have been in existence for far too long; we are individuals with different stories, different experiences and different desires in what to be called. Ask us about all of that and you may learn something not only about us but something about yourself as well.

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For more on terminology, read:

1. Adoption Language: Titles and My Preference.

2. When To Use the Term “Birthmother” by Jan Baker.

3. More Terminology: Gave Up What?

4. Or join in the poll and new conversation at the forums: What Do You, as a Birth Parent, Prefer to Be Called?

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