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I love the act of giving. I like the hunt for the perfect present, keeping the intended receiver’s personality, likes and dislikes in mind as I scour the internet or a store. I am not really good at wrapping said gifts but I love watching the eyes of the receiver as it is removed from whatever packaging. The look of joy or elation or sentiment in their eyes is the only thank you I require. However, when it comes to purchasing gifts for my daughter, it’s often fraught with worry and anxiety.
Will she liked what I’ve bought for her? Does she already have it? Is it something that would even interest her? What size does she wear? What color looks best on her? What color does she like even if it doesn’t look good on her? Is this above her age level or below it? Will her parents approve of said gift? If it’s a sentimental keepsake kind of gift, will she understand the meaning later, if given to her now, or should I save it?
The list of questions goes on and on until I’ve wound myself into a ball of anxiety, unable to shop (shocking!) or make decisions. Other birth parents have voiced similar lines of question as they thought about or purchased a gift for their child. It’s unfortunate that those fears can often remove the joy of the hunt and add extra tension to the receiving of said gift.
Can anything be done? Sometimes. There are a few things you can do to prepare yourself for seeking out, purchasing and giving a gift to your child. While not a full-proof, totally absent of any worry plan, it may help you in the process.
1. Ask your child’s parents any pertinent questions before starting to shop. If you know that the holidays or a birthday are right around the corner, call and ask them some key questions like current size, any big gifts they’re planning on buying and what is a current no-no in terms of what he/she is allowed to play with or use. Remember to respect any boundaries they set on gifts as it is part of their right as a parent. For example, if they say no makeup yet, do not buy your daughter a makeup set for her birthday. You don’t need to pit one side against the other.
2. Have one of those reconnaissance type of conversations with your child. Or just straight out ask him/her what he/she is into right now. You know the kind of conversations I’m talking about: “So, I saw this commercial about x-toy and I thought that would have been cool to play with when I was your age. What do you think?” For younger ones, a simple conversation about likes and dislikes will do the trick. For older ones, asking if they still like an activity, such as reading, and if they’re into any new authors could help you get a clue.
3. Ask around for age-appropriate recommendations. If you’re reading here, you’re probably somewhat web-savvy. Use Google or a parenting forum (like the ones on our adoption forums!) to seek out or ask other parents what their same-aged kids are playing with, wearing or doing. Using other people’s ideas and making them your own is a great resource and can help keep down anxiety (because you have anecdotal “proof” that it worked for someone else’s kid).
4. Hit the pavement and/or virtual pavement. Sometimes all the suggestions in the world won’t appeal to you. That’s when you need to get out and get shopping. Start thinking on your child’s level. Allow yourself to think about what you liked at that age and make the necessary comparisons and contrasts as you gauge your child’s personality and likes to your own.
5. If you’re going for something sentimental, be sure to include a note with the reason why and ask that your child’s parents keep the note for future reference. While some are quick to suggest that gifts with a deeper meaning should be saved for later in life, sometimes things just seem to fit while you’re shopping. No, your daughter may not understand the significance behind the locket that almost looks like the one you had when you were a child, but if you include a letter to be read later, she might better appreciate it when she is old enough to fully understand.
If you’re worried about your purchases when you get home, call and discuss them with the adoptive parents. Explain your worries and ask their opinions. If they seem hesitant as well, ask yourself why this particular gift was purchased, what purpose it would serve and if giving it will harm the relationship between families.
Try not to let the fear overtake the joy of watching your child open the gift. Allow yourself to enjoy those moments. Allow yourself to make those happy memories with your child.
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For more, read:
1. Adoption Jewelry for Birth Parents.
2. Being Present on Your Placed Child’s Birthday.
