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Sometimes there are reasons that mothers and babies cannot stay together, and need to be raised by others. However, given that some experts believe that babies will bond better with adoptive parents if they have first had time with their first parents, I wonder why we ignore that? Maybe too few people just do not believe that, and think it is better for a baby to bypass its first mother altogether if there is to be an adoption?
Do people fear allowing the first mother to bond with the baby because they feel that if she does, she might change her mind? If an adoption is meant to be will spending some time with a baby convince a woman to change her mind? Why would a woman want to adopt a baby whose original mother can rest it herself? In the dark ages when my son was born many experts cautioned young women to “not get attached” to their babies. Some even encouraged pregnant women to disconnect from their children before they were born. Women were encouraged not to call their babies “my” baby, but “their” baby (the adoptive parents.)
What if babies do have some sense of that disconnect while still in the womb? It is not something nice to think about. However, there are many educated and well respected people in the adoption world that believe that babies are aware of much more than we previously believed. Some believe that some harm to babies when they are separated from their original mothers too soon.
I have never heard a mother who placed a child for adoption say that she wished that she had spent less time with her baby. However, I have heard many birth moms say that they deeply regretted not having spent more time with their babies. What can be negative about allowing a mother time with her baby even if there is to be an adoption?
I was deeply attached to my Oyster (as I called my bump) when I was pregnant. When I finally saw the little person I had been carrying for so long, I only wanted more time with her. I’d planned a closed adoption, and was encouraged not to spend a lot of time bonding with her… I gave her, then got her back 7.5 weeks later. Am feeling gutted to read that it’s best for the baby to let them bond with their first parent(s) before they go to adoptive parents. If I’d been allowed this information at the time, a LOT of grief would have been avoided; for me, the foster mum, the adoptive couple (Zeta never went to them, but still), everyone around me, and Zeta herself, who’ll have major questions for me when she’s older. Hurrah. The powers that be misinform us again.
Ruth, you are one of the few “almost” birth mothers that I have found who got their child back. There is a whole generation of us birth moms who did not know to insist on spending some time with our babies.
It is a theory that babies do better if they have some time with their first moms before an adoption. Not everyone agrees with it, but I do. Many babies had little or no contact with their first moms and still did fine.
Your daughter may have some questions, but you will be there to answer them. She won’t have to wonder and speculate like so many of our children did/do. I am going to read your story at your blog.