I mentioned in another blog that the gardening term, "Bloom where planted," could sum up my son's approach to dealing with adoption. He does not dwell on the fact that he was adopted. In fact, in a previous post, I recounted a conversation in which he told me that he liked being adopted because it made him different. He told me that he remembered telling his third grade class that he was adopted for "show and tell."

Adoption was a fact of his life as it was for two other siblings in the family who were also adopted. From what he has said, his brother was more affected by his adoptive status. His brother searched before he did, and identity issues were more of an issue for his brother. The other sibling is a sister and the only one of the three who has not searched.

The point that I am making is that adoption affects children differently even when raised in the same family. Just as all biological children in a family may be different, the same is true for adoptees. Adoption does not affect each child exactly the same.

However, I believe it is a mistake to say that because adoption is not difficult and/or painful for some adoptees, that means we should dismiss the feelings and pain of adoptees who do struggle, and I think we often do just that.

In a sense we sometimes treat adoptees as we do birth mothers, and tell them to "get over it" and move on. Every one can decide for themselves how they lead their lives and I do believe in dealing with the set of circumstances one has in life. That does not mean that we invalidate or dimisss the pain of those who feel more deeply.

There is a delicate balance in play in dealing with adoption issues. Wallowing and never being happy is obviously not a great life plan. However, Everyone heals at their own pace.

We decide for ourselves how to live our lives; no one else knows our hearts and minds as we do. To insist that others are taking too long to move on or get on with their lives is judgmental thinking at best. Judging others is human nature; I certainly get accused of it enough. However, I try to be empathetic and compassionate for people adversely affected by adoption because I believe adoption is a tough challenge.

Sometimes adoption is better than the alternatives. When it is; I am in favor of the practice. Loss is tough though, and to sign up for it when it is not absolutely neccessary will never make sense to me.