A birth mother on the forums was just blindsided by her daughter's adoptive parents. Without reason or prior warning, the visits that she had previously had are no longer going to happen. On top of that, it took three months of silence for her to be informed of this fact. Three months of wondering and waiting only to receive such shocking news.

And her question: Why?

I think it would be the question of any birth parent blindsided by such a thing. Why? Why the long time between contact before delivering such a blow? Why the need to cease visits? Why any of it?

Questions were posed by other people, of course. She was asked if the adoptive parents could received some counseling or if they could enter some mediation together. Turns out that they've already been there and done that route. Then, of course, the birth mother was asked what she did to cause such a thing because, of course, it is always the birth parent who is at fault when an adoption closes. (Yes, that's heavy laden sarcasm right there.) And yet, the birth mother keeps searching for answers, for support.

The birth mother is struggling, of course, to find an appropriate way to deal with her anger, her frustration and her emotional upheaval. She didn't ask for this. No one asks for this, to be re-separated from the child that they relinquished without having done anything to cause such a low blow. No one asks to be disrespected in such a way. But it happens all too frequently.

While I could make this a post lamenting the insecurities of others, I'm going to give a few tips to birth parents who are reeling in the recent news of a previously open, now closed adoption. When the news is so fresh and recent, it can be hard to figure out what to do with one's self. Here are some ideas.

1. Take some time for yourself. If you have the ability, get away for a weekend. Solely by yourself. No significant other. No children. Just you. If you can even do this for an afternoon or a day, it will be beneficial as well. My "safe" place is a nearby state park's lake. It is soothing for me to sit in the beautiful natural surroundings and just breathe the fresh air without distraction. It gives me the physical space to feel my emotions and slowly make sense of them in the quiet without regard to caring for others.

2. Journal, journal, journal. Getting your words out on paper can help you make sense of your thoughts which are at this time, no doubt, very jumbled. Sometimes juts seeing them written down can help you find out what you're really thinking or feeling.

3. Call your therapist! Don't have a therapist? Find one! This is not the time to act big and brave. Things like this do not make sense. They are not fair. And it is not realistic to make your way through this mess on your own. There is no shame in talking through an issue like this solely on your own. Having someone else who can help you come to terms with a new loss (and thus, grief) can start you on a path to healing far sooner than if you attempt it yourself.

4. Remind yourself to be the bigger person. Anger is an acceptable emotion though the world seems scared of it in general. However, lashing out in anger is not the answer and will not make others more receptive to your plight. Consider using your anger in a physical manner via a kick boxing class or even yoga but do not take it out on the adoptive family. They will have to answer for their actions someday and, as you may realize, so will you. How you react to this situation will come back on you in the future. If you feel able, write a respectful letter acknowledging the change in your "agreement," express your dislike of the situation in a respectful manner and let them know that you are available when and if they should change their mind regarding the best interest of their child. Be the bigger person. It will serve you better in the end than the immediate gratification of telling them to fluff off.

Basically, now is the time to take care of yourself. As you have no means to be with your child and make sure that he/she is okay with the changing situation, you need to make sure that you are going to be okay. Also consider reaching out to other birth parents who have either been through your specific situation or who just understand loss more than the general public.

Remember: you are not alone.



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