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Yesterday I shared a little bit about Birthmother’s Day. (Visit that post for the brief history of the day.) I also talked about the pros of the day. Two commenters shared their reasons for choosing, at various points in their healing process, to celebrate on that particular day. They had some great perspective for first mothers who are trying to make a decision on which day feels right.
Today, of course, I’ll talk about the “cons” of Birthmother’s Day. It’s a day fraught with controversy which, of course, takes away from those who actually want and choose to celebrate on that day. That’s why it is important, even as we discuss the cons, to remember that we are all different as birth mothers with different feelings, emotions and experiences.
That said, man, I don’t like the day.
1. I am a mother. Even if I relinquished, I am a mother. Foster mothers don’t have a separate day. Adoptive mothers don’t have a separate day. Step mothers don’t have a separate day. They all get to celebrate together. Why should birth mothers either a) demand a day of their own when no one else gets one or b) be forced to sit at the kiddie table while all the “real” moms celebrate?
2. What the heck are birth mothers then supposed to do on Mother’s Day if they’re forced to celebrate on a separate day? It’s not as if by celebrating on Saturday that we don’t know what Sunday really is; we own calendars, televisions and computers. It’s in our face. We have to deal with it in one way or another. Even if a Birthmother’s Day celebration allows us to feel joy, we’re still faced with the reminders of loss the very next day. Why not put a celebration on, I don’t know, Mother’s Day?
3. It further drives home the fact that we didn’t mean anything more in our child’s life than “birth.” I’m more than just a birther. I love that little girl so very much. She’s so very awesome!
There are more reasons, many of which have been commented on even on this blog over the years. If you are not celebrating Birthmother’s Day, please share why in the comments. Keep the drama to a minimum!
Tomorrow I’ll give you some ideas for your own Mother’s Day celebrations.
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For more on holidays and birth parents, read these posts.
Just joined today. I adopted an 8-1/2 year old 7 years ago. He was a 5 when placed in foster care and 4 homes later came to us. He has been violent had to be placed in a group home for our protection a couple of years ago. We continured contact with him and after 8 months he returned home. He had been home for nearly a year and on Thursday he was again placed in a group home. This time he was charged by police for assault on me and placed on an undertaking to have no contact with me. This can be removed by a judge. He told his social worker that he needed therapy, something that he has only played with thus far. By that, he mean he would go and not go. AS crazy as it sounds we have not given up. All who have worked with my son see a bond that has developed and though he has done some horrible things, he is a great kid in so many ways. I love him. I am not sure if I can have him back in my home. MY trust is quite broken and I want to be safe. We do want to continue to work with him and are hoping that he will work too. He has told group home staff and social workers that he knows that his parents love him and he wants to come home.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
“I’m more than just a birther” Amen sister. I wholeheartedly agree. I have been a “birthmother” for 27 years now and I have never even heard of birth-mothers day. Yes Mother’s Day can be very very difficult, and I am working through it. However,I for one choose to include my son, my birth experience with him, with my other children on Mothers Day. My reason is simple-he does not say “I love you birth-mom”, he says “I love you Mom”. Period, the end.