Part 1 received such great comments, I decided I had more to say on this subject. Deb made a mention of my "glossing over" the fact that some birth parents really do not care about their children, and wrote a post about it too.

However, I did not mention that reason because I believe that it is the first reason that generally pops into one's head when birth parents pull out of an adoption. I have seen mention of it numerous times by adoptive parents, and wanted to offer other explanations that I believe are actually closer to the truth in most cases.

Certainly, there are many reasons why birth parents walk away from an open adoption. I was trying to offer reasons that are more plausible to me than a lack of loving or caring. It is difficult for me to comprehend that some parents do not care about their children; I know that they do exist. Some birth parents are included in those who do not care about their children.

Although I hear about abusive and uncaring parents, the parents I know, birth or otherwise, care deeply about their children. I have a deep and abiding belief that nearly all parents love their children on some level. Not everyone who loves their child turns out to be a good parent. However, it is incomprehensible to me that even people who are severely dysfunctional would not still love their children. That does not mean that they all are good parents, know how to behave responsibly or know how to show their love. Drugs, alcohol, childhood abuse and many other factors obviously all affect how people parent.

Loving your children is the most natural instinct on earth, and I believe that most parents do love their children. Call me naive, but as I said, I do know that some parents are dysfunctional and incapable of loving anyone, not even themselves. I have only heard from a few birth parents who did walk away. For them, it was not a lack of love, but lack of strength and a need to survive. Walking away was agonizing for them, and they did not want to do so. They could find no other way, and there is little help for anyone in open adoptions.

When birth parents walk away, I hate it. I wish that we could help them stay by supporting them, educating them and doing more than we currently do. Some adoptive moms try their best and I love that they do. However, it should not be their responsibility, and they may not know how best to help anyway. We promote open adoptions, and adoption in general, but how much do we do to support triad members and help them make their adoptions work well?

If a birth parent seems upset and weepy, that might make you believe that they care. It is one way of coping with their loss. Another way to cope with the loss of your child is to pretend you do not care. If you are convincing enough and seem cold and unemotional enough, people probably believe that you do not care. It is generally a pretense. It still does not mean that you do not care, but you might make it very difficult for others to believe that you do. Again, the kind of denial type attitude is a protective survival mechanism. Does it often make it seem as though you do not care? Certainly, I believe that it does.

Some adoptive parents might give up easily if a birth parent pulls away and stop sending updates and photos. It would be tempting to stop trying, and who would blame you. However, I believe that as long as you have a place to send them, and no one specifically requests that you stop, I think that you should continue to try. If you have no current address, save everything you would have sent for a potential reunion later.

Are there really birth parents who do not care about their children? There are some, but I think that they are rare. I choose to believe that MOST birth mothers do bond with and love their babies. It is human nature to love your children - the most natural act on earth. To survive, they may need to deny that love and try to sever all ties. They may be dysfunctional and unable to parent or show their love. They may walk away, but rarely for lack of love.