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Part 1 received such great comments, I decided I had more to say on this subject. Deb made a mention of my “glossing over” the fact that some birth parents really do not care about their children, and wrote a post about it too.
However, I did not mention that reason because I believe that it is the first reason that generally pops into one’s head when birth parents pull out of an adoption. I have seen mention of it numerous times by adoptive parents, and wanted to offer other explanations that I believe are actually closer to the truth in most cases.
Certainly, there are many reasons why birth parents walk away from an open adoption. I was trying to offer reasons that are more plausible to me than a lack of loving or caring. It is difficult for me to comprehend that some parents do not care about their children; I know that they do exist. Some birth parents are included in those who do not care about their children.
Although I hear about abusive and uncaring parents, the parents I know, birth or otherwise, care deeply about their children. I have a deep and abiding belief that nearly all parents love their children on some level. Not everyone who loves their child turns out to be a good parent. However, it is incomprehensible to me that even people who are severely dysfunctional would not still love their children. That does not mean that they all are good parents, know how to behave responsibly or know how to show their love. Drugs, alcohol, childhood abuse and many other factors obviously all affect how people parent.
Loving your children is the most natural instinct on earth, and I believe that most parents do love their children. Call me naive, but as I said, I do know that some parents are dysfunctional and incapable of loving anyone, not even themselves. I have only heard from a few birth parents who did walk away. For them, it was not a lack of love, but lack of strength and a need to survive. Walking away was agonizing for them, and they did not want to do so. They could find no other way, and there is little help for anyone in open adoptions.
When birth parents walk away, I hate it. I wish that we could help them stay by supporting them, educating them and doing more than we currently do. Some adoptive moms try their best and I love that they do. However, it should not be their responsibility, and they may not know how best to help anyway. We promote open adoptions, and adoption in general, but how much do we do to support triad members and help them make their adoptions work well?
If a birth parent seems upset and weepy, that might make you believe that they care. It is one way of coping with their loss. Another way to cope with the loss of your child is to pretend you do not care. If you are convincing enough and seem cold and unemotional enough, people probably believe that you do not care. It is generally a pretense. It still does not mean that you do not care, but you might make it very difficult for others to believe that you do. Again, the kind of denial type attitude is a protective survival mechanism. Does it often make it seem as though you do not care? Certainly, I believe that it does.
Some adoptive parents might give up easily if a birth parent pulls away and stop sending updates and photos. It would be tempting to stop trying, and who would blame you. However, I believe that as long as you have a place to send them, and no one specifically requests that you stop, I think that you should continue to try. If you have no current address, save everything you would have sent for a potential reunion later.
Are there really birth parents who do not care about their children? There are some, but I think that they are rare. I choose to believe that MOST birth mothers do bond with and love their babies. It is human nature to love your children – the most natural act on earth. To survive, they may need to deny that love and try to sever all ties. They may be dysfunctional and unable to parent or show their love. They may walk away, but rarely for lack of love.
For as a Birth Mom or First Mother what ever you want to call me. There isn’t a day I don’t think about my babies. I guess birthday holidays and Mothers day is the hardest for me. I think we put on the shells of we don’t care because we are afraid of what other people will think of us for giving up our children for adoption. I think Society thinks if you don’t have your child or children with you you must be a bad parent. If people think we are cold I am sorry I cry often over the loss of my children. The hardest thing is when you have people tell you that you need to live in the here and now and live for your other child. To be strong for that one and forget. This is what birth parents face all the time with people who do not understand. I could never walk away and be cold to the familes or my children. I do see how some people feel they have to to survive this situation
i became a birthmother 22 years ago when i relinquished my beautiful newborn to a wonderful, loving couple through open adoption. For the first 10 years of her life, we wrote each other and exchanged photos as often as our busy lives would permit, and those communications were what kept me going most of the time.
when my daughter was around the age of 10, i began to deal deeply in therapy with my own childhood issues (i had grown up in an extremely abusive home and had been both physically/sexually abused, but had never admitted or dealt with it). During this time, I was unable to communicate with my daughter’s adopted family because i was so depressed, upset, angry and hopeless and the last thing I wanted was to introduce any negativity into her life. i guess in retrospect i was carrying so much shame around that i felt “unworthy” of them all. My silence lasted about 5 years, during which time not a day went by without my thinking of her and praying for her happiness and health.
i can only speak for myself, but i simply cannot fathom that any birth/first mother simply stops caring about her child’s well being or stops loving them. i agree that denial is one way of coping…but there are also other explanations for silence that are so numerous we simply can’t imagine them all.
today, at 40, i have a wonderful relationship with my daughter and her family, whom i consider an extention of my own family (except a lot better, lol, they are the parents i would have wished for myself). i do regret those years i did not communicate, but looking back i know that as a young woman coping with her own trama and the grief of relinquishing a child that i did the best i could. in my heart of heart she has always been and will always be the love of my life.
i can understand woman who become overwhelmed by the pain and need to take a break — not because of lack of love, but because of the over abundance of it. Loving someone that you know needs to be apart from you in order to really thrive is a painful thing, and living with it every day takes its toll.
my hope for all birthmothers and their children is for some kind of reunion at some point in their lives…my reunion with my daughter and her family was truly the most beautiful and meaningful point of mine, and i hope signifigant to her as well.
any mother knows the love you feel for your baby, whether blood related or adopted, is an eternal bond…i can only think that the women who pretend differently are suffering silently and are unable physically, emotionally, financially or spiritually to maintain the contact that we all crave.
just my opionion. thanks for reading
vj