I was searching through True Mom Confessions for adoption related ones (as usual) when I came across the one below. I'm going to warn you now that I will be very opinionated on this post. I will not apologize for it but I will offer the warning to get out now.

i have a friend whos quite a bit older then i am. She's a great friend, but she's never been married and only ever had 1 child, and she gave that child up for adoption at the age of 4 months. I HATE HATE HATE that she gives me tons of parenting advice *all of wich is wrong in my eyes* and thinks that she knows it all about marriage advice too. I love her as a friend, but sometimes i wish shed shut up

When the editor in me gets past the inconsistent capitalization and poor grammar, the point of the confession sits wrong with me. While this woman is entitled to her feelings, I'm going to dissect them for others to consider.

Point: Why mention the fact that she "gave the child up" for adoption at all? Why? Any unsolicited advice from people who are not actively parenting a child is unwanted and often rubs the receiver the wrong way. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, unsolicited advice from people who are actively parenting a child can also be unwanted and will result in some hard feelings as well. Why must we bring up the fact that she placed a child?

The reasoning, of course, is simple. The general public believes that those who have chosen to place their children for adoption are "less than" other parents. Birth parents have already "screwed up" in the eyes of the public and, therefore, don't deserve to have or parent other children. They will never be right when it comes to parenting decisions or advice. And we should be regarded with a sense of irresponsibility and be taken with a grain of salt, at best.

Quite frankly, I'm tired of this attitude. If this confessor hadn't mentioned the fact that she had placed, I would have clicked the "me too" button in a heartbeat. I detest unsolicited advice. I have a small, core group of moms (and a few non-moms with great maternal instinct) that I go to when I am actively seeking advice. But when, for example, a non-mom with no maternal instinct tries to grade my parenting, I will admit to getting rather peeved. For almost all of my parenting decisions, I have done an extraordinary amount of research. (I'm a reader by hobby and a writer by trade. Research is what I do!) I do try to keep in mind that my non-mom (or, even non-parent as a few men have chimed in at times) friends aren't purposefully trying to tick me off and, to be fair, they probably think that their advice is helpful. I can usually shrug it off. I will admit to having failed at shrugging it off at times. But, then again, I'm human.

To be fair: the friend in this case needs to chill it. No one likes unsolicited advice. If she was offering it to me, I wouldn't be judging her on the basis of her adoption decision but I would have to tell her to cool her heels. These? Are my children. These? Are my decisions. Not yours. Not hers. Not anyone but me and my husband.

Point: My heart breaks for this "friend." The judgmental nature in which the placement of a child is brought up combined with the line stating that she loves her friend but wishes she'd "shut up" is just simply heartbreaking. It gets me wondering: do any of my friends consider me this way concerning my adoption story? Do they inwardly cringe when my daughter is mentioned? I just talked about those who I consider true friends do not balk at the mention of my daughter. Is that only because they are better at masking their outward feelings and are inwardly balking? Great. Now I'm doubting my friends because some mother is insecure about unsolicited advice. Great fun.

This confession, of course, just shows again the way that birth parents are forever judged for the relinquishment. If the mention of the adoption had been left out, I wouldn't have thought twice. Sadly, this is just more evidence of what we live with even among our so-called friends.

Has someone ever outwardly judged you for being a parent? Have they doubted your ability to make sound decisions for your children because of the relinquishment of another?



Photo Credit.