Birth parents who become involved in the adoption reform movement invariably meet many adoptees. We meet them at conferences, open records marches and support groups.

Through our contact with adoptees, we hear their different stories. Their stories are as varied as they are. There are no all happy or all sad stories. We get to know them and become particularly empathetic towards and fond of adoptees in general.

People who involve themselves in adoption issues often attend conferences and retreats. The subjects presented at these retreats often include sessions aimed at helping triad members understand each other. Birth parents struggle sometimes to understand their children and the information presented at conferences can be extremely helpful.

As birth parents, many of us read extensively about the adoptee experience in order to understand our own children. As we see the struggles of adoptees that become our friends, we become intent on wanting to prevent adopted children in the future, when possible, from suffering as our adoptee friends have.

Adoptive parents also struggle sometimes to understand their adopted children, and I know that many of them read and attend adoption related events as well. Most of us feel grateful for what we learn, and because we love our children, we want to share what we have learned.

Birth parents sometimes find themselves in the position of writing about what they have learned about raising adopted children, sometimes in a public forum like blogs. While it is true that most birth parents have not had the experience of raising adopted children, many of us have learned a great deal about the experience.

Living an experience and reading or hearing lectures about it are not the same. The experts are those who live and breathe that experience every day. Yet, we can all share and learn from each other for the sake of adopted children to make their lives better.

Recently it was pointed out to me that because I am not an adoptive parent, I know nothing about raising an adopted child. It was suggested that I am not qualified to write about how to raise a adopted child. Those criticisms do not surprise me; there is some truth to such comments.

However, I believe that some adoptive parents can and do understand the birth parent experience. Adoptive parents often feel quite comfortable in offering their opinions on how they believe that birth parents should behave. Some of their advice makes perfect sense. Other advice shows a profound lack of understanding of the birth parent experience.

Although I never set out to learn about raising adopted children, due to other interests in adoption, and my friendships with adoptees, I have learned a great deal. I am not an expert, nor am I an expert on birth parents. Obviously, I do know a great deal more about birth parents because I know more birth parents, and I am one as well.

When I wander off into discussions on ways to raise adopted children, it is not because I believe that I am any expert on the subject. I share what I have learned and the opinions and conclusions that I have reached. I do so because I deeply care about adopted children and adults. My son is an adoptee, and that alone makes me care about the fate of all adoptees.

Further Reading:

Talking to Kids About Adoption

Being Adopted

Photo by Jan Baker 2007