Many different groups of people fear birth parent grief for many reasons. The old adage goes that people fear what they don't know. So, I thought I'd shed a little light on why birth parent grief isn't meant to be scary to adoptive parents, adoptees or the general public.

The truth remains that birth parents have parted with a huge piece of themselves. Even the most independent woman will tell you that having a child changes a woman's view of herself. Placing that child is akin to letting go of a piece of yourself.

For just a brief second, put on the shoes of a birth parent. I know that is a hard thing for many people to do, not just in relation to adoption. But, do it for me. Just for a second! Imagine parting with your child. Imagine believing that it is your only option. Imagine believing that it is right. It still hurts, doesn't it? Imagine that it's totally against your will. That smarts, too. Now that you've got that feeling down, imagine someone has told you that you don't have a right to be sad. Or shed tears. Or miss your child.

Doesn't seem to fit, does it?

The truth is, no matter the circumstance, some level of grief is involved in relinquishment. Even those well-adjusted, happy-go-lucky birth parents have twinges at times. No one is exempt or immune. Some people are just better at handling grief while others are better at hiding their grief. Then there's me who just so happens to wear her heart on her sleeve at all times. I'm not alone on that one.

Make another mental jump with me.

If a person who had lost a very close loved one to death refused to acknowledge the death, would we be concerned. I won't even take it so far as that they refused to cry because, honestly, some people don't show their emotions by shedding tears. I'm saying that if they refused to acknowledge that their loved one was gone, wouldn't others be concerned about the mental well-being of the one left behind? What if the one supposed to be grieving totally blocked any memory of the deceased one's existence from her memory? Wouldn't we be worried?

Why then do we expect birth parents to roll over and act as if nothing has happened?

Some are saying, "Oh, that doesn't happen in this day in age." I call the bluff on that one. Yes, it does happen in this day in age. Sure, adoptions are open nowadays but that hasn't removed the underlying idea that birth parents should pull themselves up by their bootstraps, wipe off the tears and head off into the sunset without nary a care about their child. Our tears make certain people uncomfortable. When we talk about missing our children at a certain family event, we're told to stop. When we get down in the dumps on holidays or birthdays, no one even knows what to do with us. What would you do with a friend who was sad on the birthday of a deceased loved one? Would you send a card? Would you give a call? Take her out to lunch? Give her a hug? Just simply remind her that you were there if she needed to talk?

I know most of the fear behind birth parent grief is because of the lack of understanding. But it's not too hard to understand when you place yourself in our worn shoes for a day. It is normal to cry. It is normal to be sad. It is normal to miss your relinquished child. When we're forced to keep those emotions silent, unhealthy manifestations of our grief bubble to the surface. And that's when the real trouble comes.

I'll talk about some of those tomorrow. In the meantime, ask yourself why birth parent grief, presented in the normal, healthy way, makes you uncomfortable. Try to push past it and get to the core of the issue.

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For more on birth parent grief, read these posts.



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