Recently I realized that as a birth mom in a closed adoption, I have not written much about what closed adoptions are like for birth/first moms. I write about life as a mother in reunion; it is a very different experience. Although I make references to not being in favor of closed adoptions, I have not discussed specifically how it feels. So, here goes - a series on moms in closed adoptions.

Are there any birth mom bloggers who are in closed adoptions that have not had reunions? Certainly there must be, but I have not found any yet. Not too many birth moms blog until they are searching, in reunion or considering a search. Of course, that is probably because many are still hiding. I was pondering the differences between my perspective as a mom from a closed adoption and blogger birth/first moms in open adoption.

Although there is a great deal that we agree on, some of our experiences are quite different. If an adoption is necessary at all, I am a strong advocate for open adoptions. Not that I believe that they are a panacea; I do not. Nor do I believe that they are as wonderful for most birth mothers as the hype. First/birth mothers in open adoption still have loss, pain and most of the same issues. My belief in open adoptions is due to the fact that I feel that they are best for children in most cases, not because I think they are painfree for birth parents.

Unless a birth mother from the era of closed adoptions is in reunion, there is nothing positive about being in a closed adoption for her. At least there was not for me, or anyone that I know. For some birth mothers, they might say that not parenting allowed them to finish school or achieve certain goals. However, it did not always work out that way.

The only possible benefit that I can see for a birth mother is that a closed adoption allows her to pretend and not face the reality of the loss of her child on a daily basis. Even that is a dubious benefit, and probably not actually a benefit at all.

Day to day in a closed adoption, there is not much happening to write about. You cannot write or have any contact with your child; you rarely even know where they are. Many children are adopted and sent out of state. You will not generally know.