A new birth mother posted on the forums just yesterday, asking for information on what to do now that she is home from the hospital. Her question echoed of my own thoughts three and a half years ago.

any tips on how to keep happy during this time? everything is going ok right now but i know that in a little bit it's all going to hit me and i just want to be ready to deal w/ it when it does. thanks.

The new mother has been given quality advice by others who have been through this tumultuous time. The resounding advice, of course, is not to force herself to feel or act happy. I offered up the same advice knowing, most likely, that it will fall on deaf ears. I remember it all too well.

Fresh home from the hospital, after one night of crying, I vowed to make myself strong. I held my chin high. I had "done the right thing." I knew that others in my life, such as my parents and Josh, were also crushed by the Munchkin's placement, so I didn't want my sadness to hurt them any more than they were already suffering. I refused to cry in front of them; I made everyone think that I was okay with this decision, that I believed in it to my core.

We see it often in new birth mothers. The desire and need to believe in their decision. They are accused of not understanding what birth motherhood entails as a life time of loss. They are accused of being blinded by the agency, the attorney, the adoptive family. They are accused of being happy. They are accused of being in denial.

I am of the opinion that some of those things may be true on a case to case basis. I am also of the opinion that a birth mother trying to be happy and believe in her decision immediately post-placement is one of the only ways she can get through the grief which is coupled with fluctuating hormones. Had I allowed myself to break down into complete nothingness, I am not sure I would have demanded to be treated with respect or worked so hard at the open relationship with Munchkin's parents. Do I think that I had some denial in there caused by some deception on the part of the agency? Definitely. Do I think I would have believed them if they would have told me that it was okay to be sad and show those feelings? Probably not.

So what's the use in telling these new birth mothers that it's okay to feel sad and show those emotions? No one told me. As I just stated, I think I acted that way out of simple self-preservation. Had I been allowed to grieve thoroughly and openly, would my processing of the adoption and my eye-opening moment regarding the ins-and-outs of unethical adoption come at an earlier time? Maybe. We'll never know. Since I don't know, I do make it a personal goal to let new birth mothers know that they don't have to paste on a smile in the days immediately following the birth of their child. I try to let them know that they are not alone in this new and strange grief. I encourage them to journal though this time because, for me, my journal was the only place that I could be 100% honest as to how I was feeling at the time.

I know that not every new first mother will listen. I know that not every new first mother will be the same; some might legitimately be happy and some might be legitimately destroyed. Yet I believe that there is always some form of sadness, varied in intensity, when it comes to relinquishing your child. Letting these new mothers know that it is okay to grieve that loss is vital to their healing. No one told me that it was okay.

So hear me now: it is okay to grieve.

But hearing me say it alone may not get through. Please feel free to share your story with immediate post-placement grief or, if you'd rather be anonymous, please drop me an e-mail at firstparentblogger@adoptionmail.com. Let our newest birth mothers know that they are not alone.


For more on Birth Parent Grief/Grieving, read:

1. Grieving a Loss by Jan Baker.
2. Munchkin's Birthfather: His Grief, Guilt and Sorrow by Jenna Hatfield.
3. Grief, Hope and Faith? by Jenna Hatfield.