Most birth mothers experience some guilt for not raising their child. Rarely do birth mothers view relinquishing or placing their child for adoption as a reason to pat themselves on the back and believe that they have done something wonderful.

Some people always view placing a children for adoption in a noble light. However, many birth mothers feel as though they failed their child by not raising them. Placing a child for adoption is very complicated and may or may not be a noble and/or wise decision.

In some cases, placing a child for adoption could be the right choice. However, even when it is, it is not likely that a birth mother will be immune from feeling some guilt. If the adoption decision does not provoke guilt, getting pregnant unintentionally often does.

Birth mothers can feel guilt for not raising their child within their natural family, and/or separating siblings. Sometimes birth mothers separate babies from fathers who feel the loss. There are never-ending possibilities and occasions that might produce guilt.

If birth mothers shut their children out of their minds and keep them a secret, they might feel some guilt for that decision. In the alternative, if they thought about their children too much, and were too affected, it might have adversely affected parenting other children.

Lastly, birth mothers who reunite and learn about adoption at reunion might feel guilt if they ignore the injustices perpetuated on so many generations of birth families. If they do not strive to prevent even one unnecessary adoption, there may be more guilt in store for them.

Want to know what drives birth mothers like me? I want to prevent more people like Jenna, Heather and I from losing children to adoption when it really was not necessary. (I omitted Coley as I don’t know her well enough to know whether she considers her son’s placement necessary or not.)

As for moms who are drug-addicted, abusive or otherwise unfit to parent, with no family to step in, adoption might be the best solution. Despite constantly being accused of wanting to prevent all adoption, that is NOT my goal. I want to prevent unnecessary relinquishments, not all adoptions.


Further Reading:

Dealing with Guilt in Adoption

Adoption Loss and Support.


Core Issues in Adoption: Guilt & Shame

Photo by Jan Baker 2007