Angst is such a great word, don't you think? It sounds so much more interesting than “anger.” The dictionary defines angst as: sorrow, worry or torment. I think most birth mothers would acknowledge that since losing a child to adoption, they have lived angst-filled lives to a degree.

Anger is definitely part of the package as well. It is hard to escape the palpable anger that so often surfaces for birth moms. Even when we write the anger is often evident.
No one wants us to be angry or angst ridden, least of all, us. However, it seems to be inescapable that particularly when we see or hear really insulting or demeaning comments, we will get riled up and strap on the armor. Defensive? I think it is pretty understandable.

Both adoptees and adoptive parents sometimes scratch their heads in amazement and wonder why on earth we are so volatile. After all, we made a conscious decision to place our babies for adoption, right? In some cases, that is true. However, it is hard to make an informed decision based on inadequate information. There was virtually no choice for some women. Few women that I know had a clue as to what was in store for them, or their children.

Finding out how naïve and vulnerable you were is a truly crappy feeling. Realizing that you made the most important decision of your life based on flawed information is a stunning revelation. I imagine it must be somewhat like people who get scammed and bilked out of the life’s fortune feel.

You feel gullible, stupid and worthless. I can’t tell you how often I hear birth mothers say:

1. I wish that I had been smarter;
2. I wish that I had been stronger; and
3. I wish that I had known.

Why do we feel such a need to express our anger and talk about our feelings so much? I can sum up our main motivation in one sentence. We want to spare the young mothers of the future the lifelong angst that we experience.

I am not referring to young mothers hooked on drugs or so dysfunctional that parenting is impossible for them. Their children may need to be adopted. The mothers I am talking about are birth mothers without any long term issues. Age and economic status are issues that change and may not prevent successful parenting.

Angst, sorrow, anger and grief are part of the package for nearly all birth mothers. The degrees vary, but few birth mothers do not experience a whole host of emotions because they placed a child for adoption.