An adoptive parent started a very interesting thread on the General Adoptive Parents forum. The subject read: Has adopting made you stronger, better or more tolerant? After reading through a few of their well-thought-out answers, I spun it for the Birthparent Support forum: Has placing made you stronger, better or more tolerant? While one person completely misunderstood the intent of the post, we continued to have a very interesting discussion about placing and how it has affected our lives.

I struggled for a few days with whether placing has made my life better or not-so-much-better. I couldn't figure out why I was having such an internal battle with this issue. If it wasn't better, shouldn't I just be able to say so? And if it was truly better, shouldn't I be able to say so? And I fought back and forth. I've finally pin-pointed why I couldn't say yea or nay to the "better" question.

First of all, my life is neither wholly better or fully worse because I have placed. There are, of course, some negatives. I deal with grief, loss and tinges of regret. I miss my daughter. All the openness in the world won't remove that loss. I deal with that and push myself to be honest about those feelings. On the flip side, there are aspects of my personal character that are better for having placed. I am stronger, as the initial question asked. I have learned a lot about humans, both good and bad, and I've put that information to good use by choosing good relationships and situations for myself. (I was a bit more naive and impulsive prior to placing is what I am saying in that sentence. It got boggled!)

But, at the same time, and possibly more so than the previous point, I don't want my daughter to think that her placement has been the worst thing in my life nor do I want her to think that her placement has been the best thing in my life. I don't want her to feel any guilt that I have grief. Nor do I want her to think that placing her had absolutely no affect on my life and that I am better off without her. It's a strange balance.

The truth remains: my life is simply different for having placed the Munchkin. I cannot deny that one. Had I parented, things would have been different for all of us: her current parents, me, her biological father, my parents, my extended family, my husband and the children that I am currently parenting. (If you launch into a "you wouldn't have your children if you had parented the Munchkin" in the comments, I will ignore you. I do not believe that as the decision to conceive our parented children came from the fact that I have a health condition which required me to have my children before my health deteriorated. I get the "argument" but I don't agree.) Anyway, that aside, things would have been different.

But no matter what, I am a better person for knowing my daughter. She is such an amazing, wonderful spirit. I am thankful for her presence in my life thus far and for the days to come.