For birth parents in open adoption, birthday parties may be part of your yearly visit schedule. However, just because it's part of your normal schedule doesn't mean that it will feel the same as every other visit. Likewise, for birth parents who have entered reunion, Birthdays are often emotionally charged days for birth parents of all types. So, how can you make it through such a day while simultaneously making small talk with your placed child's extended family and trying to create lasting memories?

Very carefully. Even more than being a host of a child's birthday party, it is important to remember certain things. Some are important to remember for your benefit and some are important to remember for your child's benefit. All the same, this short list is just a small glimpse into what can happen on your placed child's birthday to help give you an idea of what to think about before attending the party. Being prepared is good!


1. Be sure to have a camera ready. The day may be somewhat overwhelming at times. (Have you been to a child's birthday party before? They're overwhelming when it's not your own child!) Having a camera in hand and ready to shoot at all times can help you take away some form of lasting memory from the day. As an added note to this point: be sure to ask someone (your daughter's parents, a random stooge) to take a picture of you with your child at the party. Not only do I find this to be important for the birth parents memory-making but it will also be a beneficial tool later in life to say, "See, I was there with you on your birthday."

2. Prepare in advance. Unlike normal visits, birthday parties are often filled with people you don't know. Ask your child's parents (or, if you are going to your adult child's party, ask your child) who is going to be present, how they are related (family, friends, their uncle's dog groomer), and how they understand your presence at the party. The last part of that question is vitally important. Not everyone on the planet is accepting of birth parents and their involvement either by open adoption or reunion. Knowing that Uncle George doesn't approve of your presence ahead of time can reduce the chance for an uneasy exchange over the punch bowl.

3. Take a moment for yourself. Especially if this is your first time attending your child's birthday events, you may be more than overwhelmed. If you are feeling too much in too small of a space, let someone know that you are going for a brief walk or stepping outside and simply do it. There is no shame in taking a moment to recollect your thoughts and emotions. At the same time, don't feel as if you have to be a stone pillar of strength during this event. It's hard to watch the child that you brought into this world turn another year older and offer all of their love and thanks to their everyday parents. I've cried during the birthday song. Don't make yourself miserable by holding it all in.

4. Respect the family's traditions. Just because your family normally has a ten layer cake with three different kinds of ice cream doesn't mean that their family is required to do so simply because you are present. Likewise, just because you celebrate with only a scrumptious homemade pie doesn't mean that they have to send back the ten layer cake. All families celebrate birthdays differently. While it may feel strange to watch your child celebrate their birthday in a different manner than they would be doing if you had parented, respecting the family's traditions is of the utmost importance. However, if you're feeling totally shunned in the way that you celebrate, feel free to bake your cake or pie when you get home. Even better, ask if you could bring along your family's traditional cake/pie. (Always ask first!)

5. Allow yourself to celebrate. I've heard from many birth parents in open adoption who have said they felt like they were intruders at their placed child's birthday party. In most cases, you wouldn't be invited if you weren't wanted. (Which isn't always true for Uncle George, now is it?) You were integral in the creation of this day: you gave birth to that beautiful child. Allow yourself to eat that cake, take that picture and sing that birthday song. I'm not telling you to ignore the sadness or grief that also accompanies the day. I'm telling you not to let society dictate how you celebrate in the presence of your child.

Different from my previous advice on how to celebrate when you can't be present at the party, this list is more of an etiquette guide on how to handle certain situations. Other important things to consider are asking your child's parents what are appropriate gifts (and clothing styles/sizes), times for arrival and offering to help with set-up and tear-down. Being a gracious guest, even if you feel like being a guest at your child's birthday party is somewhat strange, is a way to show respect for your child and her family.

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For More on Being Present on Your Placed Child's Birthday, read:

1. The First Birthday - Part One.

2. The First Birthday - Part Two.

3. A Birthday Gift for Me.