Before I left for vacation several weeks ago, a fellow birth mother began launching an attack on me. (She also has attacked others as well.) In retrospect, I believe that I hurt her feelings and angered her because I did not publicly stand up for her when she felt that I should, nor did I link her to my blog when she asked that I do so. (She is unaware of my behind the scene objections when I felt that she was unfairly attacked.)

She also has different ideas than I do about how to approach adoption reform. I do not approve of her approach, and she appears not to like mine either. Apparently, I do not agree with some of her views as well. I believe that we agree on a great deal, but what we disagree on is significant.

Like many of you, I have had some fierce debates at times on forums and even times within the blogs. However, a continuing public attack aimed to harm my reputation and question my dedication to reform is a first for me. My natural inclination is to fight back and be drawn into defending myself and debating the accusations.

During this attack, not only has this person publicly insinuated that I am an “Uncle Tom” because I blog for adoption.com. She also questioned whether there was a conflict of interest between my blogging and being a board member for Concerned United Birthparents aka “CUB”. She has made many untrue accusations and false assumptions and tried her best to rally support to convince others to view me in a negative light. Fortunately, she is not having much success!

As I see it, I have several choices. I can sink to her level and fight back. I could attack her and prove that what she is saying is false. I could discuss what I think of her and her tactics and try to make her look bad. However, taking that approach would be taking the low road. She will seal her fate by her own actions; I need not add to it.

Another choice that I have is to ignore her. I believe that my writings and actions speak for me and I have confidence that no one who matters will question my dedication and integrity. In fact, I have received a great deal of support since her attacks began.

As for my association with adoption.com, all of her speculations about my motives for writing for adoption.com and for leaving are false. Her insinuations that I am money-driven are absurd, as are her speculations that my leaving is connected to her accusations in any way. I have several reasons for choosing to leave at this time, none of which are remotely related to her attacks.

Remaining silent is difficult for me as I am by nature a fighter. If being a birth mother has taught me anything, it is to stand up for myself and not let others push me around and/or control me. My husband will confirm my strong will and dislike for taking orders and/or being controlled by others unless it is necessary in a work situation.

In this instance, however, I choose to take the middle road, by not silently allowing her attacks to continue, but not attacking her in kind. I tried ignoring her, but that did not work, she just keeps stepping it up. It seems obvious to me that battling her publicly is unnecessary. I am confident that my actions speak for themselves. I am proud of my writings at adoption.com over the past three years and the work that I do to help improve adoption and prevent unnecessary placements.

I feel badly that my attacker is in so much pain that she feels a need to target me and others. Her talents are wasted and her voice is not heard when she behaves as she is at the moment. I wish her the best and hopes she finds some peace.

Further Reading:

Saying Goodbye and Safety in Blogging

Adoption is Under Attack

Adoption Anger, Not Just Directed at Adoptive Parents.

Family Presentation Under Attack too.

Photo by Jan Baker