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If I had one piece of advice to give birth parents who are looking to add to their family (other than get a good therapist and work on issues ahead of time) it would be: don’t have your child(ren) in close relation to your placed child’s birthday and don’t have your child(ren) during the holidays. Okay, technically, that’s two (and if you count the therapist point, three) pieces of advice. But man, I’m struggling over here.
Getting used to a newborn, even after you’ve been through it once, isn’t an easy task. No two babies are the same! Our new son’s personality is already vastly different than his older brother’s was at the same age. While it could be considered an improvement in some ways, it’s just completely different. Not necessarily better, not really worse. Just different! Learning the variations in his cries and what each could possibly mean or not mean is taxing at times. (Especially when you add in chasing around a toddler!) I could use a nap for Christmas.
Needless to say, I’m not ready for Christmas. Presents are not all purchased. I didn’t send out cards (but I did sent out birth announcements so that counts for something, right?). I did minimal decorating. I’m excited for the holiday but I feel bad that certain friends and family members are getting the accidental, new parent exhaustion type of shaft this year. Hopefully people understand.
Add in the emotions that come with my placed daughter’s birthday and the holidays (meaning, missing her presence amidst celebrations) and I’m just kind of overwhelmed. I’m battling through, of course, because that’s what I do. I did have a brief talk (because who has time for lengthy ones right now) with Munchkin’s Mom the other day about my current lack of time to have lengthy discussions! She was worried that I needed some space because of everything (new baby, holidays, etc) and that I was too scared to speak up and say as much. I assured her that my lack of availability had nothing to do with her, her family or the Munchkin and everything to do with two kids, two and under, plus the normal stuff I go through during this time.
I do miss my daughter right now. Her birth year ornament is one of the four that graces our tree this year. (We went for the toddler friendly tree this year. Just lights and four special ornaments WAY up high.) When I pass frilly Christmas dresses on shopping trips (however few and far between those trips may be), I feel a tugging at my heart. But, perhaps because of the work I’ve done over the past two years with my therapist, I’ve been able to appropriately deal with some of that by writing (in my paper journal) and talking things out with my Husband. I still have my regrets, of course, but I’m not drowning in those emotions like I was after Nicholas was born two years ago. Instead, I’m just busy doubting my parenting skills as they’re being constantly put to the test by two little boys. Now that’s a new one to deal with! FUN!
It’s difficult. But I’m surviving. Tomorrow I’ll have the next post in my Post-Adoption Contact Agreement series. We’re getting back into the swing of things… even though the swing has changed directions a little bit. Such is life!
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For more on parenting after placement, read these posts.
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Photo Credit.
