Janet

I attended the live chat this afternoon. One of the most striking things to me was that they all felt that openness had been the right for them. Even when people asked them pretty directly if some of their struggles (especially Kendall’s) had resulted from the openness, they said no. There were things they would have done differently within the openness, but the never questioned the openness itself for their family.

The quote you quoted was my favorite part of the whole article.

Exactly

“I’m sorry if others don’t want to hear that you can do it, that we want to see people give up and continue the cycle of hurt.”

Jenna, I didn’t get that impression reading the comments. Did I miss something?

This is EXACTLY what is needed, Mariah, IMO. No one choice works for any family and respecting someone’s choice to research all options and then choose the fit that is best for their unique situation is critical. Without that, it just degenerates into “I’m right”, “No, I’M right” and so on. What does that accomplish except to make others defensive?

” Logically, of course, I understand that all situations are different.

In fact, I don’t ever state that this story is the be-all and end-all of how all adoptions should progress. The closest, which isn’t even remotely close, I get to even an assumption that all adoptions should always be open is when I say:

perhaps use this story as a reminder that patience and long term goals can be accomplished with appropriate boundaries.

Note that I state that adoptive parents DO need to set those appropriate boundaries. I’m of the opinion that some could have been used here. I’ve never said that x-boundary is necessary in x-kind of adoption. I’ve always stated that every situation is different. The use of the word “perhaps” is a way of suggesting, “Before you consider x-reaction to x-problem, maybe you should consider y-thing or z-outcome.” I didn’t say, “It must be done this way.” Perhaps is a way of saying, “This might help you, it might not, give it a whirl or at least a consideration.”

This is simply a story of how families can get through the hardship without giving up or closing an adoption. I’m sorry if others don’t want to hear that you can do it, that we want to see people give up and continue the cycle of hurt. But this family? Didn’t. And they deserve the pat on the back. No one was damaged for life (again, which I’ll be quoting the words from the family directly tomorrow). They all, adoptee included, approve of the open relationship, acknowledging that communication issues hindered certain progress and had that been addressed, certain hardships could have been avoided.

Don’t speak for me. I say what I mean.

My OWN experience is what led my point of view. What my nearly grown children tell me has reinforced it. All I’m saying is–each family needs to come to their own conclusions about what to do.

Jenna – I found your comments as moving as Kendall’s story of her experience as an adoptee. Although you are the mother of still young children, I found your insight into Kendall’s family dynamics mature and sensitive. You will be a great Mom to teenagers! I would like to add one comment to what I read about Kendall. If I may quote you, “Quite frankly, I would rather have painted Kendall’s birth mother as a more stable person but that’s not the reality of their personal story.” I would like add (having raised two children to their mid-20’s – one very like me, one not) – “Quite frankly, I would rather have painted Kendall’s parents (adoptive – added for clarity) as more sensitive to the reality of Kendall’s genetic nature and not as people who tried to force her into the mold of their family.” I think that they “got it” but not until after they spent some frustrating years following the conventional adoption wisdom of “as if born to”.

Janet