It's a long read. It's not an easy read. It's a necessary read. Parts One and Two of an open adoption story were featured in the LA Times yesterday and today. All too frequently, adoptive and birth parents who are participating in open adoptions hear, "Well, we'll have to wait until the kids are older to hear what they say." This open adoption started in 1983. The birth mother, adoptive mother and adoptee all speak in this piece. You want to know? Read it.

If anything, the stories of these three women show us some important things: consistency and communication are key in an open adoption. Not only are those things key between adults when the child is too young to make decisions but when the child reaches an age to become involved in the decision making process. We see, time and time again throughout this article, a lack in consistency, which only further exacerbates problems with communication. It creates hard feelings, anger, disappointment, distrust and fear on the parts of all involved.

I had to take breaks in reading the accounts of the past twenty-four years. (Sixteen pages total amongst the two days.) I got overwhelmed with the problems that they encountered after Kendall was old enough to voice an opinion and, later, rebel. My mind became anxious and fraught with worry. "Will this happen to us? Is this what path we're heading down? Is this the only outcome?" Logically, of course, I understand that all situations are different. But before I made it to the end of the lengthy two part article, my heart was heavy.

No, the story isn't all rainbows and butterflies. There are some hard-fought battles within the pages and years. But, as I said earlier, we want to hear what the adoptees who were raised in open adoptions have to say, right? No one says it better than Kendall herself.

"Open adoption really helped me understand who I am — where I came from, why I am the person I am," she said. It had helped her know she hadn't been rejected because something was wrong with her. She could ask Patti herself over and over: Why had Patti given her up? Over and over, Patti could explain: She put Kendall up for adoption for Kendall's own good.

Knowing this did not take away a sense of loss, but because of open adoption, she felt loved by both of her families. Without open adoption, she might never have known that love.

My anxiety started to lift a little at this point, even knowing differences in words would be used for our own situation. The truth is that open adoptions hope to make this point to the adoptee: you have been always loved by all those in your life. It doesn't take away the losses (for anyone) but hopes to reiterate that love. Knowing that adoptees are beginning to walk away from adolescence, however dramatic in form, with this knowledge is encouraging.

Furthermore, the two mothers (as they're described in the captions of pictures) have also been able to put past mistakes behind them and, on the last page of day two's article, we are able to see other rewards of open adoption. Apologies exchanged, hearts mended. No, neither had always been perfect with regard to communication or consistency. Both had suffered hurt feelings, personally and out of fierce loyalty to the daughter in question. And yet, the achieved the goal in mind.

As I said, it's a hard read. I found myself struggling to get through it. Quite frankly, I would rather have painted Kendall's birth mother as a more stable person but that's not the reality of their personal story. For those who read this and think, "But I would never be that unstable," perhaps use this story as a catalyst to really make sure that you continue to be a consistent and stable figure in your placed child's life. For adoptive families dealing with unstable birth parents, perhaps use this story as a reminder that patience and long term goals can be accomplished with appropriate boundaries.

It's scary to realize that all of the hard work that we've done thus far amounts to almost nothing in the grand scheme of what is yet to come. However, I am still encouraged by the fact that we have laid down the proper ground work and will continue forward with the ultimate goal in mind: unconditionally loving that Munchkin.

There will be a chat at 3:00 PM PACIFIC TIME on the LA Time's website via this link about the article itself, open adoption and any other issues that come up. If you have a comment on how the article was handled (seriously, have you ever seen such a well-researched and covered piece in today's media?) or open adoption in general, consider joining the chat.

//
For more on open adoption, read:

1. The Secret Fears of Birth Parents.

2. How Birth Parents Can Properly Communicate the Hard Stuff.

3. One True Benefit to Children from Open Adoption.

4. New Support Venue for Open Adoption Families.

5. Fears for Birth Parents Regarding Visits.

//
Photo Credit.