We've been discussing a lot about anger, its many forms and the way we express or neglect to express the emotion over on the forums. It has been a really interesting look into how birth parents and adoptive parents communicate what is largely an avoided emotion. (Not just by adoption folk but the population in general.)

Having been in therapy for almost three years now and made the progress I have in my own journey, I am devastated to see so many stuck in the "anger is bad" belief. To be fair, I also believed this at one point in my life. I would not express anger. I internalized all of my anger and it ended up harming relationships and my self in different ways at much later dates. It wasn't healthy.

I began to learn that anger can be good. No, really. Anger is actually good for you. Take this study for example.

People who respond to stressful situations with short-term anger or indignation have a sense of control and optimism that lacks in those who respond with fear.

Note the use of "short-term" anger. Walking around ragingly angry for days (or years) on end is not healthy. The article went on:

So in maddening situations in which anger or indignation are justified, anger is not a bad idea, the thinking goes. In fact, it's adaptive, Lerner says, and it's a healthier response than fear.

Chronic, explosive anger or a hostile outlook on the world is still bad for you, contributing to heart disease and high blood pressure, research shows.

And that's what I have learned in therapy. If you are angry and you express that anger in a respectful way, you will feel better about the situation. The party with whom you are expressing anger might not feel all hunky-dory but, to be honest, we should be concerned with our own emotions and healing as long as we are presenting such things in a respectful manner.

I'll be writing some more about anger over the next few weeks, here and there, but I want to ask my birth parent readers: do you have a problem with expressing anger? In any and all life situations or just in your adoption relationships? Why do you feel that you have difficulty expressing anger at all or in certain situations? (As always, feel free to email me at jennah @ adoptionblogs dot com if you don't wish to leave a public comment.)

And join in the thread. It initially started out as a discussion about irrational anger but has evolved into discussing anger in general. I'll hit on irrational anger soon!



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