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01/29/07

An Almost Birth Mother

Posted by : Jan Baker in Birth-First Parent Blog at 12:55 pm , 305 words, 190 views
Categories: Doubts

Although I have a list of favorite blogs in the works, I wanted to do an entire post about a new blog that I just found. It is written by a mother who had planned to place her daughter for adoption, but changed her mind and got her daughter back when she was seven(7)weeks old. She commented on one of my blog entries, and that is how I found her.

Her daughter was with foster parents while she was trying to decide whether to parent or not, so her daughter never went to adoptive parents. I think it is interesting to note that this occurred in Europe, not in America. I hear of this happening very rarely in America and wonder if it happens any more frequently in Europe.

She calls herself the Accidental Birthmother and her blog is an interesting read. I enjoy some of her different terminology which is not as familiar to Americans.

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This young lady recounts how she came to the decision that she made to parent. She seriously considered all options including abortion. She was 21 years old when her daughter was conceived, the daughter of a church vicar and very scared when she learned of her pregnancy. Her story is a compelling one, and she her writing style grabs your attention.

It is interesting how free many of us are to reveal to the world at large our deepest most intimate thoughts. Through the blogging world, we have that ability. Yet, your next-door neighbor may know almost nothing about you. This blogger really discusses her crisis pregnancy with honesty and amazing candor. It is interesting to hear the details of her thought process as she decides her baby's fate. The guilt she has for having her child in foster care is also an interesting aspect of her particular situation.

11 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: JennyNordstrom [Member]

It's uncommon for babies to go to foster homes first in the U.S., but not unheard of. We are currently working with a potential birth mother in Wisconsin, and the baby will be in foster care until the TPR hearing (about 30 days). My understanding is that there are only a few states that require this, but they're out there. (Kentucky might be another?) As the potential adoptive parents, we were we were disappointed by this turn of events at first -- but in the end, I do feel that it will protect all of us if our potential birth mother decides not to place after the baby is born.

Permalink 01/29/07 @ 13:46

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

"but in the end, I do feel that it will protect all of us if our potential birth mother decides not to place after the baby is born."

I agree with you about that wholeheartedly! I do recall at least one other commenter saying that was how they do it in her state - don't remember the state though.

Permalink 01/29/07 @ 16:21

Comment from: janetgen [Member]

In the case of my daughter's pregnancy, we heard so many horror stories of foster arrangements becoming permanent adoptions with no recourse for the birth family and of children being lost in the foster system that we decided that fostering was too risky. Faced with our daughter's uncertainly, the interim care for our grandson was in our home with our daughter. Yes, it was emotionally terrifying, yet, we did not feel that it was ethical to get an adoptive family involved knowing that the placement was very uncertain.

Most states in the US seem to pressure for all or none - parent or adopt - even before the child is born. Even when fostering is offered it seems to be foster-to-adopt situations.

Permalink 01/29/07 @ 19:00

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

janetgen - Did your daughter still end up relinquishing?

Agree with you about the pressure. Agencies often seem to worry if they do not get a baby right away, the mother might change her mind.

I imagine that they use scare tactics to avoid foster care - again afraid a mother will change her mind.

Permalink 01/29/07 @ 19:14

Comment from: Heather [Member]

I live in WI and our two sons were both in foster care before their birthmom's TPR hearings in court.

As we are working on our third adoption, I was shocked to recently learn that this is actually not a law, but has been more of a best practice. Some agencies in Wisconsin are starting to do more legal risk placements (where the infants go home to the adoptive parents home until the TPR hearing). The reasoning given to me was that the birthmoms prefer the babies going right to the families versus a foster home. I talked to one agency who told me that if we were not open to legal risk placement, it would probably take longer to adopt because most of their birthmoms did not want foster care. I question if the birthmoms are getting all of the information. I also wonder if their has been a cut in funding for this type of foster care.

Legal risk placement strikes terror in my heart. Foster care absolutely protects both birth AND adoptive parents.

Permalink 01/29/07 @ 20:54

Comment from: lahdh4 [Member]

My agency uses Interim Care, they don't call it foster care because it isn't they have their own licensed families that they use. I found that much easier to hear then hearing foster care before we signed the papers.

Permalink 01/29/07 @ 22:40

Comment from: Coley S. [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

I was just looking for moms who were going to place but didn't for the CP blog, maybe this blog will give me some insight. Thanks Jan!

Permalink 01/30/07 @ 00:06

Comment from: janetgen [Member]

Dear Jan,

My daughter did not relinquish. Much to her surprise (not to my surprise, tho'), she is a capable and loving mother. While she was pregnant, everyone but her dad and I predicted a future of doom and gloom for her and her son if she parented. To the contray, they are thriving, happy and financially sound. Those first few weeks with her baby helped her to her realize that she did "have the right stuff". Had she decided that she couldn't handle parenting, an open adoption was still an option (albeit a painful one). My husband and I also would have discussed a kinship or guardianship arrangement with us as care providers while she finished college.

I had not looked at agencies discouraging foster care as a pressure tactic. It makes sense as the agencies were adament about early "matching" which our daughter found repulsive for her and cruel to the adoptive parents.

Janet

Permalink 01/30/07 @ 04:34

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Janet,

Your post made my day! I am glad to hear that your daughter decided to parent and is doing well as a mother. Many young women can rise to the occasion and become good moms. I was 16 when my daughter was born, but very motivated to parent her well. She is now a mom of three and a great mother to her children.

Permalink 01/30/07 @ 19:22

Comment from: janetgen [Member]

Jan,

Your post made MY day. Congratulations on raising a wonderful, happy family.

Janet

Permalink 01/31/07 @ 02:59

Comment from: siss_sunflower [Member]

God has a way of putting things into place for us!

I know we went through all of the dates that pass until finally we had totally finalized my son's adoption. We celebrated, while another part of our spirit ached for our son's Birthmom..as she is a true loving woman and just could not care in all ways for her birthson.

My husband always kept our prayers with God to place this baby boy where he should be. If that was with her/if she changed her mind before all the allowed time had passed then we would be so sad but ok with that having faith that this baby would be where he was ment to be. Now looking back to over a yr ago and going through all of those emotioins I know that God had a plan for all of us and we have a great relationship and I have a child whom I could not love more.

For some states the laws are a little strange and do not protect the AP when it comes to financial means if you have taken care of someone's needs for 9 months - agencies should offer some sort of insurance for AP incase the Birthmom changes her mind - which is totally her right like it our not - until that finalization the baby is her child and you are just caring for them in her trust.

Laura A

Permalink 03/17/07 @ 13:14

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