A recent post by Sandy Cove Trail has had me pondering what advice I would give to a young expectant mother. I've always battled with this dilemma: how to share as much information as possible without scaring the mother or pushing her away by overly opinionated rants. I actually tend to shy away from most adoption talk when first advising young mothers, mentioning only that open adoptions are not often legally binding. However, I've finally hit on something that I want all young mothers to know as they go into the decision making process that will change their life, regardless of the final outcome:

All mothers are clueless.

It's true. You only have to read posts (by both adoptive and biological mothers) over at the First Year forum to realize that we're all flying by the seat of our pants. It is only with experience that you learn and, even then, future children make all of that experience 100% null and void. We don't know what we're doing. The "powers that be" (doctors, etc) change the rules on us all of the time and we're just as confused as the next mom. We want good things for our children and think we have a plan to get those things for our children and, often times, our plans are thwarted by the actual living of life.

I say this partially tongue in cheek and partially in all seriousness. Why the serious tone? I once felt completely helpless, hopeless and lacking any knowledge on the topic of child rearing. Car seats confused me. Feeding a baby seemed beyond difficult. I didn't know how to meander the world of play groups or play dates or making friends with other mothers. I didn't know the rules for bumpers in cribs. I was beyond certain that my child would die of SIDS, crib bumpers or not! I didn't know what the recent findings were regarding educational toys; I just knew I wanted my child to have the best so that she could make the most of her brain!

I felt ill-prepared. I felt overwhelmed. I didn't know where I would gain all of this knowledge before the baby arrived. I basically allowed myself to believe that I was a subpar parent before I ever became a parent. I placed my child for adoption in part because I didn't think that I "knew enough" to be a good mother.

Later, when I went through the process of purposefully conceiving a child to raise in an everyday fashion, I was faced with the same realization: I knew little to nothing about the ins and outs of parenting. However, in that time period I had come to realize: you aren't going to learn unless you're actually parenting a child. I don't think many mothers facing an unplanned pregnancy realize that they are the same as those with planned pregnancies. It's true that those who purposefully conceived their child might know something about basal body temperatures and charting a cycle. They may also think that they know more about actively parenting a child. Yet children come into your life and toss everything that you thought you knew about parenting right out the window. They eat differently than the book. They sleep differently than the book.

And both child and parent survive.

For an expectant mother facing the unknown, knowing that she is not alone in fears or lack of knowledge could be that boost of confidence that lets her learn information and believe in herself. It's a process, a journey, that can be so very scary but so very rewarding all at the same time. Even the most put-together mothers you see at the playground have their own fears and worries. We all want the best for our children and we often fear that we may not be able to provide it in the best possible fashion.

Sometimes it's okay to let that fear drive you to be the best parent you can possibly be.

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For more on motherhood, read:

1. The Shape of a (Birth) Mother.

2. Surviving Mother's Day.

3. I'm a Real Mom and So Are You.

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