Are there ever times that that guilt is appropriate for adoptive parents? When answering a question like that, I try to step into the shoes of an adoptive parent. Sometimes adoptive parents angrily suggest that sometimes people seem to suggest that they should feel guilty.

I can never know exactly what it is like to be an adoptive parent. Plus, I am so thoroughly involved with seeing adoption through the eyes of a birth parent, it does make the task challenging.

However, when I was a young pre-teen considering my life, I thought I would probably adopt some children in addition to giving birth to a few children. I had nothing but positive images of adoptive parents. In fact, I do know several birth mothers who later went on to adopt.

Back to the question at hand. If I were an adoptive parent, I would view adopting a child as a positive act. I would not feel any guilt unless I adopted in a way that was somehow unethical or questionable. However, I can understand that sometimes ethical issues might not surface until after an adoption was completed.

Would I feel guilty if some issues came to light after the completion of an adoption? What if I personally had faith that I had followed all the steps correctly and used an agency deemed to be reputable? Would I feel guilty only if I intentionally skirted moral, legal and ethical practices?

Knowing how much empathy I have for the plight of birth parents, I think if I discovered that any coercion or other unethical practices occurred during my adoption, I would feel badly and likely guilty. However, I say that as a birth parent. If I had not had the birth parent experience, I might not feel the same.

If I did not know any adoptees for whom adoption has been a difficult life-long struggle and saw only positive adoptions, ethical issues might seem less significant. (I do know that ethics are very important for many adoptive parents.) However,I see enough adoptees, happy or not, for whom adoption has made their lives more complicated. Some could have been raised by their original parents and faced less struggles.

My experiences with adoption are so different from many adoptive parents. However, I would hope that I would deplore any ethical breaches and do my utmost to prevent them. If I found problems after the adoption was completed, I would hope that I would not ignore them. Would I feel guilty if there were ethical or moral issues in my adoption? Probably so, but feeling guilty serves no useful purpose.

Please keep in mind that I am not suggesting that anyone should feel guilty. Unless guilt helps push people to more positive actions, it serves no purpose. What I am saying is that there are a few legitimate reasons that adoptive parents might feel guilty. In general though, I believe that most adoptive parents have no reasons to feel guilty.


Further Reading:

Guilt and Parenting

Adoptive Parent Fears, I've Torn Her From Her Culture.


Photo by Jan Baker 2007