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Every so often, adoptive parents pose the question “Should I feel guilty for having adopted?”" Some adoptive parents say that they do feel guilty. Others express the angry opinion that they think birth parents believe that they should feel guilty.
Although I am not an adoptive parent, I think if I were that I would feel somewhat indignant at the notion that I should feel guilty because I adopted a child. After all, I believe that the majority of people who adopt have good intentions. Why wouldn’t it be somewhat maddening for people to attribute evil intentions to an act with good motives?
Birth mothers do not have the market cornered on feeling misunderstood. This fact becomes more apparent to me daily as I read blogs of adoptive parents. However, I expect birth parents to feel guilty, but don’t quite understand why some adoptive parents feel guilty.
Maybe in some extreme circumstances, guilt would be appropriate, but in general most adoptive parents have positive reasons for adopting. Of course, it is sad to remove a child from its home country and culture. However, very few people really believe a child is better off in an orphanage that being adopted.
Some birth parents are so angry at the whole institution of adoption, that adoptive parents are targets of their venom. However, I believe that current adoption practices serve adoptive parents nearly as poorly as birth parents. Adoptive parents work with the system as it is, and sometimes the current systems does little to prevent abuses.
Some of the birth parents I know are leery of adoptive parents in general. Sometimes, this is based on actual contact with some adoptive parents, but mostly it is a built-in feeling based on stereotypes.
However, once most birth parents get to know an adoptive parent well, they realize that not all adoptive parents fit stereotypes any more than birth parents do.
Are there ever times that I believe that feeling guilty is appropriate for adoptive parents? Although I think for anyone to feel guilty is somewhat counter productive, there are certain instances that I do believe that I might feel guilty if I were an adoptive parent. Watch for that upcoming post!
Further Reading:
How to Handle Guatemalean Adoption Guilt.
Photo by Jan Baker 2007
I have really struggled with guilt over my daughters adoption. We went into this adoption with our eyes open, and did our best to insure that our daughters mother was being treated ethically, and that she really explored her parenting option, which she did.
I don’t think the guilt is true guilt, but rather false guilt. Here we are, parenting a beautiful little baby, knowing that her mother is grieving a grief we couldn’t ever understand, AND knowing that our little child’s life was just rocked beyond comprehension. My guilt comes because this was a situation I couldn’t fix. I couldn’t find a way for the queen to parent her daughter, and because I was cursed (blessed?) with infertility I was able to parent her daughter while she had to live her life apart from her.
I also know many adoptive parents who find guilt later. I think this is more common among APs. Later they may find out that their child’s parents weren’t treated right, weren’t given options. Maybe they are in a place a year or two later where they COULD parent, and they feel guilty because that wasn’t seen as a possiblity when baby was born. Perhaps they discover the blogs of adoptees or first parents who have exposed the system for what it is, and they feel guilty for participating in it.
Most of my guilt today comes from not educating ourselves more on the agency that we used. While I can’t say anything negative about our local branch, especially the counselor that our daughters mother had, and STILL has a year later, the national organization is just a nightmare. I regret participating and funding an organization like that. However I don’t regret our adoption or the way it happened.
Maybe I’ll write a guilt blog of my own today.
This is a tough one for me. I was actually one of those who once thought that adoption was a win-win-win thing at one time, so once I slowly came to the realization that things were much more complicated than that and that adoption entailed much loss, I did feel a sense of guilt for quite awhile — guilt that I was the one who experienced all of the gain of adoption (at least in my way of thinking; I feel that I’ve healed as completely as anyone can from my infertility and its losses) and my son and his first mom are the ones who are/will be experiencing all of the losses. That is what gave me the tremendous feeling of guilt.
It’s taken me some time to work through this, and I still am to some extent, but I do see that I did not set out to “steal” or “take a baby from his mother” or do anything intentionally wrong to anyone. I worked with an adoption agency that I believed and believe is ethical. I did and do put complete faith especially in the Vietnam facilitator who we worked with; he is truly one of my heroes in my life.
Sometimes when I write in my blog, I think it does still come across as guilt, and I’m not sure how to address that or how to change it. What I really feel is a deep connection to or empathy with my son’s mother, particularly. I think because she and I are both mothers and because she and I both share this incredible son, any time I even think of that, it brings tears to my eyes. It’s incredibly emotional for me to even think of this — not because of guilt, just because. Because we’re both his mother. Because I can’t imagine being her. And that’s not really about guilt, but about putting myself in her shoes. About feeling her feelings — not that I can really do that, but I suppose as much as I can.
I don’t think that’s really a bad thing, either. I don’t put myself there all day, or for days at a time. I may put myself there when I write things out on my blog, and I do that so I can get it out and move on with my day and be there and present for my family. I also don’t think it’s a bad thing because I think it will ultimately help me empathize with Nate’s loss issues.
That’s a long answer and I think that’s part of my own post about this same topic.
Thank you so much for all of these wonderful posts this week, Jan. Lots of food for thought.
I get annoyed any time somebody tells me what I “should” be feeling, whether it is guilt or any other emotion. First, you cannot control what you feel. Feelings just happens. It is what you DO with those feelings that matter. Second, nobody has the right to tell another person what he or she “should be” feeling. What I “should” or “should not” feel is irrelevant and, frankly, nobody else’s business.
I can’t wait to read your next post. Two things that come to the top of my head are adoptive parents who abuse and adoptive parents who lie to the birth family.
I like this series that you have put together. I really believe that members of the adoption triad have much more in common than they realize. You posts are doing a good job in pointing this out. If we can see the commonalities instead of just the differences, then maybe we can build a bridge and knock the wall down.
Take care,
- Faith